5) Sloth (Megalonychidae and Bradypodidae)
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The sloth is a slightly different case because I am particularly fond of these lovely little fuckers. But that doesn’t stop them from being shit and useless in the global scheme of things.
The sloth spends its entire life in the trees; maybe I’m just a little jealous of them? Hanging about all day in a tree sounds pretty awesome.
Sloths, in fact, only ever visit the ground to empty their bowels, which is pretty odd when you think about it; I mean, if you are in a tree, you may as well shit from there. It would be way more fun, and you might hit a puma who are one of their main predators.
Sloths move so slowly that they have mini-ecosystems of mould, moths and fungus growing on them. It’s not that they move slowly out of choice either, they literally can’t move quickly. Even if they are being chased by something with big teeth, they can do nothing about it. Their muscles are mega crap. It must be like running away from baddies in a nightmare, like crawling through molasses. Look at this:
So they’re shit, but if I had to choose an animal to be, it would probably be a sloth.
Before I leave the wonderful sloth in peace I think it’s worth noting that around 60 million years ago there was a giant prehistoric sloth that wasn’t shit at all, he was amazing.
Look at this fucker:
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Nine foot from head to tail. Bang! In your face modern sloths.
