Don’t get me wrong, Mother and Father Nature have created some pretty darned epic beasts. They’ve nailed it on so many occasions that I almost feel bad for slamming any of their inventions. Two success stories of note are the tardigrade, the only living thing that can survive in space and at the bottom of the ocean unaided, and the Yeti, which is so wonderfully private that it has eluded human eyes almost entirely.
Having given Nature his and/or her dues, I still have to complain about some of the major cock ups.
Before I start I would like to clarify what I mean by “shittest”, it’s a nebulous term so here are the definitions I am using:
1) an animal that is so shit it can barely survive on its own
2) an animal that I deem, randomly or otherwise, to be shit
3) an animal that the entire planet could do without
4) an animal that looks or seems shit to me
I hope that’s clear? Let’s begin with this doosh:
1) Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca)
This showy little twat is one of the most incredible fails of all time. He sits in his natural habitat, totally black and white in a sea of green. He eats bamboo which is almost entirely without nutritional value despite having the teeth and gut of a carnivore.
Perhaps he would have a go at chasing and killing other animals if he didn’t stick out like a badly bruised thumb.
Sure, he’d be doing a little better in the wild if humans weren’t busy chopping down his houses, but the fact remains: he was designed shittly. He doesn’t even seem to like mating, and that’s a pretty important part of a species’ survival.
Pandas are super popular in zoos because they don’t even look real, but if you ask me, actual proper meat-eating bears are far superior, and much less shit.
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