I’m basically writing this post as a personal kick up my own arse. It’s all well and good saying to yourself “I’m living my life the way I want to. Fuck you world”. But sometimes you have to take yourself to one side, sit in a darkened room and scream in your own ear “YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING TEENAGER ANY MORE, JIM. GET A FUCKING GRIP OF YOUR DICK AND START BEHAVING LIKE AN ADULT”.
To be fair, I’ve had this chat with myself roughly three times a day for the last decade so I don’t think this will work. You never know though, and perhaps I can assist others. Maybe this will be the kick in the ring that you need to get back in the game?
Having said that, fuck it. You only live once… oh shit it’s confusing. Well, anyway, I trawled the internet to find some factors which “grown ups” say are indicators that you are in dire need of growing up.
I reckon it’s mostly bullshit to be fair. But if you can tick every single one of these boxes, perhaps it’s time to have that chat with yourself:
1) Living With Your Parents Still?
If you’ve left University and/or you are 30+, and you still live with your folks: alarm bells. Sure it’s cheaper and yeah, I bet you do get on well with them, but that is pretty much the least sexy thing in the world.
You need to move on. Of course, if you are one of their carers or need caring for yourself (not including hangovers) then that’s fine. But if you just stay there so you can afford Playstation games you need to get a grip.
2) No Self Control
You see it, you buy it. You want it, you take it. You’re thirsty, you drink it. Childish behaviour like that needs to stop. Ah fuck. That’s my biggest problem, like this:
Anyone: “Fancy a beer?”
Me: “Yeah, but I’ve got this big thing tomorrow”
Anyone: “Oh, fair enough mate, maybe another time”
Me: “OK, OK, I’ll come to the pub, but I can’t stay long”
Anyone: “Errr…. OK, sure, let’s go!”
8 pints later…
Me: “AAaaahhh fuck”.
Easily done, but it needs to stop… OK? Also, if you have no self control the chicks assume you’re going to play away from home, too. Not a good look.
3) Constantly In Love
Only childish people constantly fall in love. As you grow up you realise that even if someone looks perfect, they have at least 80 skeletons in their closet. No one is perfect, especially not people who look perfect.
If you have your heart broken twice a week, it’s time you took a look in your underwear and checked for your scrotal sack and its occupants. Girls pretend they like sensitive guys, but that’s bullshit unfortunately, they actually like guys that occasionally pretend they are sensitive. In reality, they want a fella that can crush a walnut with his furrowed brow.
Women are complicated, and fickle, and tricky – and lovely to look at of course – but don’t show them that you feel any of those things. They’ll crush you.
4) You Never Watch The News
If you groan and flick over to Hollyoaks when the news comes on, you’re probably still mentally stuck in your diapers. Watching the news forces you to grow up. You realise that everything around you is falling apart and that the world is a cruel and disgraceful place to be.
The news is a little depressing, yes, and so it should be, earth is a depressing place to be. If you’re a human. Or the majority of animals (except most house cats).
5) The Borrower
If you never manage to pay your way for an entire month, despite being employed full-time, then there’s something wrong. What it probably means is that you eat awesome take out food and go to the pub every day. That is no way for a grown-up to live. It might feel pretty awesome, yes, but it can’t go on I’m afraid.
If people are constantly subbing you in the pub, the club, or when it comes to paying your bills then that should be a wake up call. No friend or family member is so nice and/or chilled that lending you money every month isn’t fucking annoying eventually.
If you want to keep friends, not piss off your family members and actually be able to survive on your own two feet, it might be time to look at slimming down on your pork and pub life.
6) Bitching And Moaning
Some people only ever talk down about other people or winge about their current situation. Sometimes you need to wake up and realise you aren’t the centre of the universe. If you find yourself moaning most of the time, then you are a nause to hang around with. No one likes a fucking winger.
And if you’re constantly bitching about other people – that’s also shit and boring.
7) Can’t Hold Down A Job?
If you’ve never had a job for more than 6 months, then the problem lies with you rather than the companies you’ve been working for. The boss can’t have been the dick in all of the places you worked. YOU are the dick and you need to stop crying like a baby. No one likes getting up at 6:30, it’s just what has to happen in the real world.
“Why should I have to get up and do something I don’t like every day?” – that’s life you muppet. Life is shit and then you die. FACT.
Well, that’s only made me feel more depressed. I’m off to buy 18 cans of Skol and three pizzas. Good luck being a grown up… you boring fuckers.