Ah yes, talking during sex. You do everything else right but if you’re not saying the right things then it can turn an otherwise enjoyable session into a complete disaster. Well, maybe not a disaster, but the overall experience might take a sizeable hit.

After all, you don’t want to hear about the weirdo she met on the train or what she’s thinking of doing with the wallpaper mid-session, right? Although I guess sometimes it’s preferable to hearing nothing at all.

Here are the top 5 things I don’t want to hear in bed:

5. Silence

The only thing worse than every other thing on this list is hearing absolutely nothing. Just complete silence. Do you need to be as loud as the guys and gals you see in porn? Nope — but if the only thing I can hear is the sound of my dangly balls slapping against your booty and my out-of-breath lungs pretty much dying on me because I’m completely out of shape and knackered, it doesn’t make for the best of atmospheres.

Give me some moans and groans, a random ‘fuck me!’, just anything really. Otherwise I might as well go home and wank off in front of the TV.

4. “No.”

Totally not making any rape jokes here — just saying that there’s a lot of things people see in porn that they want to do, and sometimes the other person just won’t let you do them.

For example, I’ve always wanted to do that thing where the girl hangs upside down off the bed and I have sex with her mouth, but my girlfriend won’t let me. Why does she have to be such a prude about it? Same with anal sex. At least take the reins and suggest something else we could try if you’re going to shoot down every idea I come up with.

I’ll probably just forget what I’d just asked you to do 2 seconds ago if it’s freaky enough. Don’t just straight up reject me.

3. “How you you want it?” “No, how do YOU want it?”

You’re trying to talk dirty, trying to find out how/where your partner wants it, and you’re nice enough to ask but all they want to do is just ask you the same question back. “Where should I finish?” “Where do you WANT to finish?”, “Tell me what to do”, “What do you WANT to do?”.

Argh! I’m trying to talk dirty, motherfucker! Don’t just repeat what I’m saying back to me. Because at the end of the day asking me what I want takes us right back to #4 on this list and we all know where that scenario leads — limp dick city.

2. “Make love to me”

Love making is for losers — my girlfriend and I smash our genitalia together to feel good. We make sure the term ‘love making’ never comes into it.

You know how I show her that I love her? By taking out the bins. By cooking her breakfast. By taking her to Nando’s when I’m feeling extra grateful to have such a special girl. That’s love.

1. “Don’t Stop! Fuck me harder! Keep going!”

Most of you are probably thinking “what? That’s exactly what guys want to hear!”, and you’re right. Well, kind of right. I appreciate the whole sentiment but the fact is there’s no bigger mind fuck than when a girl’s yelling at you to keep going and you just know that there’s no chance you can make go even 3 more thrust before busting the biggest, most explosive nut of your life. Fuck you harder? I’m fucking trying, trust me. I haven’t put this much effort into anything, probably ever. If you want this to last longer than 3 minutes you’re going to have to let me be in charge of the pace.

I probably could fuck you harder and faster but I know where it’s going to end up — about 20 pumps and I’m done. Not a great situation for either of us to be in.

In conclusion – is dirty talk as important as everything else going down in the sex game? Maybe not, but say the wrong thing and the whole shebang gets ruined. Choose your words carefully or you’ll find yourself on this list with the rest of them.