The Sick Chirpse 2014 World Cup Guide: Groups A-D



Group C


Manager: Jose Pekerman
Key man: Falcao

The Colombians have an ex taxi driver as their manager and they’ll be hoping his navigational expertise rubs off as they attempt to find a way out their group. In a statistic that relives external pressures on the team, no player has been shot dead for ballsing up at a major tournament in twenty years. Reassuring.

Undoubtedly the star in an otherwise unspectacular lineup, Falcao will be aiming to put himself in the shop-window as the €350,000 a week Monaco are paying him is unrepresentative of his value as a human.


Manager: Fernando Santos
Key man: Kostas Mitroglou

Efficient if uninspiring, the Greeks made a habit of grinding out 1-0 wins in qualifying to reach Brazil with a grand total of twelve goals. Coincidentally, this is the same number of Euros the government has knocking around the office to reinvest into the economy.

Giorgos Karagounis has a wonderstrike up his locker and a P45 from Fulham in his kitbag.

Ivory Coast

Manager: Sabri Lamouchi
Key man: Yaya Toure

The Ivory Coast are regarded as one of the perennial underachievers in World Cups of late. They will be hoping for more in Brazil and will be in decent shape provided nobody offends Yaya Toure by forgetting his wedding anniversary.

Didier Drogba will be eager for good aerial service from the flanks and full marks from the judges for his reverse pike somersault.


Manager: Sabri Lamouchi
Key man: Keisuke Honda

The Japanese will bring energetic counter-attacking play to the tournament with the aim of catching the enemy off-guard like they did at Pearl Harbor. Immaculately straight passes and immaculately straightened hairdos are a given.

Shinji Kagawa will be keen to show the world what all the fuss is about since blowing his own trumpet for the past three years.

☛ More Football : 30 Incredible GIFs Of Cristiano Ronaldo On The Football Pitch 



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