The Sick Chirpse 2014 World Cup Guide: Groups A-D



Group B


Manager: Vicente del Bosque
Key man: Andrés Iniesta

The reigning Champions return with their familiar brand of tica-taca football designed to dehydrate opponents to the point of collapse. After the opposition has passed out through chasing shadows in stifling humidity and audiences have disappeared to the bar through stifling boredom, Sergio Ramos will stagger forward from CB to walk the ball into an empty net.

Diego Costa will also be hoping to impress through his unique style of unnecessary shoving/grabbing/eye-poking. When the important stuff is finished he’ll try to chip in with a goal or two.


Manager: Louis van Gaal
Key man: Robin van Persie

Manchester United-bound Louis van Gaal leads the Dutch into his final tournament with faint hopes of a fairytale sign-off. It is widely reported that Steve McLaren will travel with the squad to media briefings for his unique skill of batting off difficult questions in a highly convincing Dutch accent.

The Netherlands are boosted by the return of hitman Robin Van Persie, the striker having recovered from a string of unidentified injuries ever since David Moyes fucked off.


Manager: Jorge Sampaoli
Key man: Alexis Sánchez

The Chileans go into a tough group but they’ve been known to spring an upset. The most recent evidence came in November when they put England to the sword, though it is worth noting that only England fans actually classed this as an upset.

Alexis Sánchez will be eyeing the golden boot. He wants it to melt down and sell on the black market as his ‘Hollywood bad guy who runs the cocaine cartel’ name suggests.


Manager: Ange Postecoglou
Key man: Tim Cahill

The Socceroos squeezed through the back door of their group to make it to Brazil and now they’re here they intend to go about their business quietly without making a fuss. The Australian public will be too concerned with more pressing matters like egg-chasing and cricket. That’s just the way it is.

Tim Cahill is the obvious shining light and is targeting a shot on target against Chile.

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