3. CHRISTMAS TEXT MESSAGES

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing better than getting a text from a loved one on Christmas Day. Well maybe there are better things like Jim Davidson being arrested but all the same, it’s nice and seasonal to get a personalised text. What isn’t cool is those douchebags who send out a group text to their whole address book with something like this: ‘Happy Xmas to you, lots of love from Billy, Sally, Little Billy, Little Sally, Little Silly Billy the lickle puppy, Popsicle the cat, the fish, our future children, next week’s dinner, our genitals, our new wheelbarrow and of course bump.’ It’s great that you’re enjoying your Christmas Day but if you want Little Billy and Little Sally to see Christmas 2013, then don’t send me a generic festive text. I wouldn’t kill the kids, I’d merely kidnap them and relocate them to a loving family that aren’t goddamn retarded.