In stark contrast, Belgian powerhouse Philippe Albert has gone from strength to strength since his Newcastle career came to an end. He retired back to Charleroi and began training as a vintner. He now owns a series of Vineyards all over Belgium and his delicious table wines have received rave reviews across Europe, the most notable of which have proclaimed his wares to be amongst the best in Belgium. He has recently struck a deal with British supermarket heavyweights Morrisons, so keep an eye out for Albert’s Belgian Plonque next time you’re stocking up on Ginsters and Panda Pops.

Once the Jewel in Fergie’s crown, our next sad pretender is none other than Nicholas “Nicky” Butt. Butt’s talent was apparent from early age, even at 28 everyone could tell this young lad was going to be a star. He started his career with brief spells at Manchester United and Newcastle before a successful loan stint with Birmingham City caught the eye of Steven Lo, the manager of South China AA and Butt joined Hong Kong’s most successful team at the peak of his career. Aged just 35 it looked like he had the world at his feet, unfortunately for the midfield dynamo, his dreams did not come to fruition as his fitness hit a sharp decline. He managed three appearances for the Asian giants and was forced to retire that year. He now works as a primary school art teacher in his native Manchester, though is finding life difficult due to his surname. Mr. Butt is also facing allegations regarding a dubious friendship forged with Gary Glitter during his time in Hong Kong….

This bloated sack is world famous Blackburn and Southampton chump Stuart Ripley. During his 16 year footballing career our Stu terrorised many a defence all over the land, his athleticism and agility made him unplayable during his time in the employ of most of Britain’s elite clubs. As you can see his fine personal appearance and slender frame have never left him. Though this man could have hung up his boots safe in the knowledge he would always be remembered amongst the likes of Pele and Maradona he was not one to rest on his laurels. After winning the Champions League with Barnsley in his final season as a player he immediately set up a physio clinic in Yorkshire catering to poorly rugby league players. It appears he has modelled himself to fit in with his new injured pals. If this doesn’t sound funny to you it’s because it’s actually the truth. Furthermore, he recently turned his back on the poor rugger buggers and is now a qualified solicitor in Lancashire or something. That is also the god honest truth, you can tell by his snappy shirt / tie combo.