This unforgettable face belongs to ex Coventry and Liverpool engine room Phil Babb. Babb’s time at Anfield was so memorable that he earned the nick-name Phil “Goal Machine” Babb. He played 128 games for the club over the course of six glorious seasons with a staggering goal-scoring record of one goal per 128 matches. His international career was just as breath-taking. Scoring almost one goal during his first 34 matches for the Republic of Ireland, he finally found the net after coming on as a substitute in the 85th minute of his last game for his country, effortlessly sweeping a sumptuous finish past his own keeper with his very first touch of the ball. Babb bowed out in style in 2003 after helping Sunderland achieve relegation from the top flight and now works as a prison warden at Alcatraz having served time in the same institute for his part in an illegal wombat fighting ring in Lebanon.

How could any of us forget the man, the myth, the legend that is ex Ipswich and Liverpool likely lad John Wark? Wark was actually a pretty blinding player. He won countless personal and team honours with his respective clubs and his goalscoring record was really impressive so I’m not gonna take the piss out his career. He also lives near me so would probably come to my house and headbutt me in the mouth like the true Glaswegian he is. Since hanging up his boots, Wark has become a successful livestock farmer and pheasant poacher in central Glasgow. To date he has fathered 16 sheepdogs and his line in home-made newt skin wax jackets have taken Milan by storm. He earnt critical acclaim for his role as Jimmy Nail in Danny The Champion Of The World and his moustache wax is apparently a market leader by all accounts.

Next up is ex Chelsea custodian Eduard “Ed” De Goey. In keeping with Chelsea’s rich history of European and domestic success, our man Ed won many prestigious honours as a player including, the Charity Shield, the Cup Winners Cup and the Super Cup. His catfish-like ability between the sticks is the main reason that Chelsea’s trophy cabinet still groans under the weight of so many dog shit non-trophies and runner-up medals. Since hanging up his gloves De Goey has tried his hand at graphic design, though has found little success. His former club Feyenoord took pity on him and allowed him to do some work for their website but his prototype (above) was, unfortunately for him, not chosen. His scruffy rugby shirt and harrowed expression betray his profound depression which has inevitably limited his success as a graphic designer, I think he was last seen in a Rotterdam gutter with his piss-stained joggers round his ankles, buried face down in the hairy bosom of a vagrant transvestite leper.