Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

mrmids

When I was 16 I got caught by my mum bashing the bishop while she was outside watering her plants. I was in the den and it was a bra & panties match on Monday Night Raw. To make things worse she called the doctor to make sure this was normal behaviour for a 14 year old because when she asked my dad he told her he didn’t start wanking until he was 18…

STREPTHROAT

Back in school the class bully threatened to beat me up if I didn’t show him my dick. I refused so true to his word he trapped me at the back of the school bus and dead armed me until I pulled my tiny little penis out. He studied it for a few seconds, laughed and then left me alone for the rest of the year.

[no name]

When I was younger, I once told a bouncer my dad owned the club, trying to blag my way in because I had no ID. Looked great in front of the massive queue and my friends. Got taken in to the “VIP” area. Which was the rear exit. The bouncer turned out to be the owner.

teenytom

My dick imprint doesn’t show up in my tracksuit or swimming trunks or any other item of clothing

MYBAD

I was at my little cousin’s football game watching with the rest of the adults from the sidelines. Our team won and we all went purposely OTT at the end with our celebrations like they’d just won a trophy. At one point I see this huge man in front of me who I know was cheering the same team so I do a run up and jump on his back to celebrate some more piggy-back style. He let out a cry of pain and crumped to the floor while everyone freaked out at me — turns out he’d just come off major back surgery. He went back into hospital but was OK. My dad wrote him a cheque as an apology.

DENZ

Told this girl on Tinder I was 6’0 & I’m supposed to meet her tomorrow. I’m 5’9.

PUREE445

Woke up in my own bed after a heavy night to find a hot, but fully-clothed girl curled up sleeping next to me. I had no idea who she was. I got up and went to take a major piss and when I came back she was gone. I never even saw her again. When I asked my friends later they all said they couldn’t remember me meeting/talking to a girl that night. Weird.

MR DEEDS

My girlfriend looks like Gianna Michaels minus the huge boobs and willingness to give BJs

taz

Been going to the same barber for 5 years, get the same haircut every time. The last 2 times he’s messed it up and I’m too much of a coward to tell him.

MERC

I kicked the shit out of my neighbour’s Mercedes and stole the little Mercedes symbol thing off the bonnet for no reason

THEFROG

When I was a fair few years younger me and my little brother were play fighting and he accidently gave me a nose bleed which was fair enough I wasn’t guna beat him up for it but instead I pinned him down and let the blood drip onto his face and in his mouth.

BCW

When I first started smoking weed it was the most fun in the world. Ever since I graduated uni and got a real job I can’t get high without getting paranoid and thinking the worst most negative thoughts. Anyone know how I can get high like a normal person again?

WOLFSHED

I had to spell ‘Wednesday’ under pressure during a work meeting and my mind went completely blank. Luckily my colleague literally spelled it out for me when I got stuck after ‘Wed’ but my boss now thinks I’m an idiot

DANNY R

a couple of nights ago i took a girl home that i met at a club. whilst we were having sex, i looked down and noticed my condom has slipped off. it was dark so i just put another one on and kept going. the next morning when she left, i tried to look for the condom. it was nowhere to be seen. it was either lodged inside her somewhere.. or she had taken it home. either way i was left speechless.

SKETCH

I’ve wanked to granny porn

DCBREAKER

I literally do no work at work. I have an ‘internet routine’ that keeps me both entertained and massively bored.  I can only do my work when I’m days or hours from being found out. I need the fear, because I don’t give a fuck. I’m a management consultant in London. Clients pay thousands a day for us.

ISLINGTONGUY

My dick accidentally touched the urinal at a club and the next day my dick head had red blemishes all over and was itchy as f-ck. Turns out it was balanitis, easily treatable but still a wake-up call to be very careful at urinals

—–

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).

See you next Friday!