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The Sick Chirpse 2014 World Cup Guide: Groups E-H

An alternative team-by-team guide to Brazil 2014.

Group H

Belgium

Belgium World Cup

Manager: Marc Wilmots
Key man: Eden Hazard

The talented Belgian collective are peaking at the right time, just don’t mention the phrase ‘golden generation’ for the binding curse that is attached to it. Belgium claim that failing to qualify for the last two World Cups was just to lull everyone into a false sense of security.

Maouraine Fellani will be keen to make amends for his recent crimes against football. Eden Hazard has been told to pick on someone his own size.

Algeria

Algeria World Cup 2014

Manager: Vahid Halilhodžić
Key man: Sofiane Feghouli

Algeria got here thanks to a play-off goal from Madjid Bougherra, who probably shouldn’t have been on the pitch at the time after trying to imitate a move he’d seen on UFC. The North African country is 80% sand, which explains their ‘kick it long’ approach.

Nabil Bentaleb is one face you may be familiar with. Tim Sherwood cited him as potential England prospect but the young midfielder pledged his allegiance to Algeria when a suitcase full of unmarked notes turned up on his doorstep.

Russia

CALCIO: MONDIALI; ECCO LE FASCE PER IL SORTEGGIO,ITALIA SPERA E TREMA

Manager: Fabio Capello
Key man: Alan Dzagoev

Russia tried to strengthen their squad pre-tournament by making key acquisitions from neighboring Ukraine. Unfortunately they found it wasn’t as easy to take their players as it is their land.

The team can expect a military-style boot camp whilst out in Brazil fronted by one Sergeant Capello. Quite fitting really.

South Korea

South Korea World Cup 2014

Manager: Hong Myung-bo
Key man: Son Heung-min

North Korea’s friendly neighbours are technically sound but offer absolutely nothing up top. Goalkeeper Jung Sung-ryung has the special awareness of a London bus driver.

As above, most of the squad have triple-barrelled names which should make for a strangely therapeutic commentary soundtrack from Clive Tyldsley.

☛ Up Next: The World’s Most Unique And Amazing Football Pitches

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