I know, fine and well, that booze is the devil’s jizz. It’s effectively a poison. It gives you liver cirrhosis, bad breath, bad teeth and ruins your life. But, for a few days each year, it is totally fine to smash down inane quantities of the stuff. In fact, it’s not just fine, it’s bloody well essential.

Once a year, the civilised population of England does their darndest to catch up and level out with the day drinkers down the park. At this special time of year, alcoholism is completely and totally standard.

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Here are a few reasons why Christmas is the only time of year that being a total booze hound is both acceptable and necessary:

Talking To Boring Relatives

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You probably love your family, I sincerely hope you do. You probably enjoy their company as well. But, at Christmas, you are forced to spend A SHIT TONNE of time with your nearest and dearest, and also some family members who aren’t so near or dear. Uncle Weirdo and his parasitic children, for instance.

It is impossible to like all of your family members. If you took 10 people at random, at least one of them would be weird and/or a dick. Families are no different.

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If you get stuck chatting to Aunty Minge for too long, your hair will turn grey, and you’re too young for that shit. You need to drink. Booze has a wonderful way of levelling things out. It makes the boring – interesting, the annoying – palatable. Maybe you can get along after all?

If you need to drink some Bailey’s at 8:30 am, so be it.

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Baby Jesus Turned Water Into Wine

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Let’s try to put the “Christ” back into Christmas, shall we? Lest we forget, this holly jolly season is all in response to Jesus’ shiny birth in a shed in the Middle East. Remember that. OK? This is a holy holiday. The Lord our god is watching down on the festivities, so we don’t want to let him down, do we?

Although the Bible is the word of god, there are many, many, many parts which are both contradictory and mental. But something which is very clear throughout the text is that Jesus liked getting smashed. It’s something not mentioned by Christians all that often, but it’s clear to me that Jesus was a boozer.

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For instance, he turned water into wine at a party. Remember, Jesus could do anything he liked. He could heal the sick, feed the hungry, raise the dead etc etc. But what did he do with his skills at a boring wedding party? That’s right, he made all the water into wine so everyone could get smashed. Getting drunk at Christmas is what he would have wanted.

Holy communion is a Christian ritual (they probably stole off the Pagans) and it’s how Christians remember he died on the cross to save their sins (which is pretty bat shit mental), but it involves having a glug of wine. The word “wine” appears 240 times in the bible. Here’s one of my favourite wine based verses:

Genesis 19:31-33

One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man around here to give us children–as is the custom all over the earth. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.”

That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and slept with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

LOL! INCEST! We can’t ignore that. Drink up. It’s his birthday. You dicks.

Office Party Shit

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Christmas always brings with it an office party, or some sort of works do. Yes, these things can be a laugh and yes, you will probably get some free food out of it. But, the most important thing about an office party is getting shit faced. Everyone knows that.

Without booze, an office party would basically be like doing overtime for free. You’re hanging out with people you barely know, making small talk. Booze isn’t just essential for you to have a good time, it’s essential for everyone else’s enjoyment too.

Imagine if you were 4 pints down and you turned to your boss and she was sober? That would put the willies up you good and proper. No, that’s unacceptable. You need to be able to turn to your boss, see her rosey cheeks and comedy Crimbo hat and know that, for this one night a year, you are even Stevens. BOOZE.

Noisey Fucking Children

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Ahhhhh…. lovely, beautiful, cherub-like children. Nope. It doesn’t matter how nice the kids are, at Christmas they are little cunts. They are either crying because they are overtired and/or bored, or bouncing off the walls like Chihuahuas because of all the sugar and presents, hooting like a banshee.

Sure, kids are a joy to the world, and baby Jesus would have had a lot of time for them etc. But, you can’t like them all of the time. Especially not if you have to spend an extended amount of time in the same room as them. Booze is essential.

Even a crying child doesn’t sound soooo bad if you’re pissed as a fart. And, should the worst come to the worst and the baby is staying in the same house as you, booze will help you sleep through the nightly whining and shitting.

However you spend your Christmas – alone, with family, fighting – booze is likely to play a large part in the festivities. It makes awkward social situations smooth, boring situations palatable and annoying situations laughable. Thank you, booze.

Any way. Do what you like. I’m already drunk. And I wrote this ages ago. Getting ahead of schedule. Fuck off.