I’m not the sort of guy that likes to pour hatred over particular fruits and vegetables. All food groups have the right to be heard and eaten. After all, they are God’s creations and don’t deserve to be railed on for no reason.
But for me, the avocado has reserved itself a special place in hell. To be fair, it’s not the avocado itself which has achieved this status, it’s the wankers it associates with that are to blame for the black smudge against its name.
Just so you know, the avocado is in fact a berry; even seasoned pro-avocado pillocks don’t know that. The avocado was also one of the first plants to be cultivated by humanity. That in itself should make the avocado interesting, and it does at first glance. But what lies behind humanity’s perversion of the humble avocado brings my blood careering to the boil.
Here’s why avocados should be banned and then forthrightly purged from planet earth.
1) Avocados Cost A Fortune
If a food item is stupidly expensive, the people who flog that particular food have to do something to make it seem more appealing than its relatively cheaper counterparts.
Avocados cost about £5 a Kg, tomatoes just £2 per Kg, and the magnificently fancy looking broccoli clocks in at just £1.40. Don’t you think it’s slightly suspicious that there is so much fuss and pomp about avocados? Why does every human in marketing want you to ram avocado into you so badly? Because they are extortionately priced and consequently keeping fat-cat greengrocers in expensive snazzy trousers. That’s why.
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2) “I Eat Avocados Therefore I Am Better Than You”
My biggest problem with avocados, as I mentioned in the intro, isn’t with avocados per se, it’s more the complete and utter idiots who sing their praises. When I see a woman (and I’m not being sexist here, it generally is women) wearing an ethnic skirt and barging through the “sea of commoners” on her way to the avocado aisle in Waitrose, I think to myself “Lord Jesus, please form an immaculate machete in my hands this instant so that I might cut her down in her subprime”.
The self-righteous hippy-dippy “ooh I’m so healthy” brigade are a bunch of dicks. Just because the label on your lunch says “organic”, you do not have the right to look down on people who eat other things.
The reason that these pseudo-eco plums (and I say “pseudo” for a reason that will become clear) do my chops in, is that virtually none of them have a clue what is healthy or good for the environment. They are sold repackaged chunks of shit to eat just like the rest of us sheep, it’s just that they choose the more expensive labels rather than the cheapest. More fool them. It all goes down the same pipe.
If you were to tell them that there is literally no scientific evidence that antioxidants have any health benefits (which is a fact) they would think you were the mad one. Avocados, to me, symbolise this army of idiots with more money than sense.
Avocados have made friends with some really annoying people. And, I’m afraid, I can not forgive them for that.
3) They Taste And Look Like Shit
Scraggly lizard balls. In a nutshell, that’s what an avocado is. If you think you look cool spooning out the slimy green innards from a toad’s scrotum, kudos to you, but you’re wrong. You look like someone who wants people to think you’re healthy, intelligent and in control of your life, but you are actually divs.
Avocados have a strange power as far as taste is concerned. They sort of don’t taste of much, but what they do taste of is… well… I dunno… soil? Yeah, they taste of soil. And the texture!? Jesus, you know what I’m saying. Slime.
Another pet hate of mine is the way that avocados have infiltrated food which was perfectly good in the first place. These green shits have been sneaked into holy food combinations for no reason, other than the fact that they make the dish more expensive and have been marketed to 100% cunts.
Check out these completely unnecessary combos and tell me I’m wrong (BTW, you won’t be able to):
Avocado Mac & Cheese
You can’t tell me I’m wrong can you? Keep avocados out of proper food please. They’re gross looking and really, really weird.
4) If You Buy Avocados You Support Gangs
You didn’t see that coming did you? Even if you think the rest of what I say is balls, and I guess I can’t begrudge you your opinion, you have to check this out.
It has recently come to light that a Mexican gang called the Caballeros Templarios (Knights Templar) have been profiting from the avocado trade. See? I told you they were evil.
In MichoacÃ¡n, a state in western Mexico, the Knights Templar have taken over the avocado supply chain. In the early part of 2013, the U.S. imported nearly $1 billion worth of avocados from MichoacÃ¡n.
The Knights Templar extort avocado growers, but they also take over farms wholesale and indulge themselves with the occasional kidnapping and beheading to get them through the slow times.
See what I mean? It’s not the avocados per se, they just have some very unsavoury friends.
5) That Pip Is Ridiculous
WTF is the fucking pip about? You know what I mean? You buy an avocado that probably sets you back around £23 and more than 40% of its volume is an inedible joke of a stone. That, my friends, is taking the piss big time.
Some believe the pip is particularly large because avocados were probably consumed by dinosaurs, therefore the pip needed to survive the guts of those mighty beasts, allowing it to pop out the other end unscathed and produce the next generation of hateful berries.
That’s all very interesting and everything, but I don’t see any dinosaurs queuing up in Sainsbury’s for avocados, they’ve got more sense. And their brains are tiny. So, to summarise this point: if you buy avocados your brain is smaller and shitter than a stegosaurus brain, which is about the size of a walnut. Idiot.
I hope I have gone some way to convincing you that avocados (and all that are involved with them) are devil spawn.