As soon as smokers were brought into the terrifying reality that in fact cigarettes do not clear your throat and make you strong, they actually give you terrible lung-rotting diseases, there was a race to find “the healthy cigarette.” If anyone has tried herbal substitutes they will know that it’s like huffing on oregano-filled crepe paper. And patches? Give over. There’s not enough room on the body to fit an amount with the same satisfaction of one cigarette lug.
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In came the vape. Ever since these toffee-flavoured space-pens came into the mainstream, it has been like the second coming of the messiah. No more smell on your clothes. No more cancer or stained fingers; no more addiction. Wait, what was that last bit? No more addiction? So when my housemates are scrapping to win overnight dibs on the 54th plug extension, they are not dependent on their nicotine sugar smoke? Hmmm, I’m not so sure.
I miss the nervousness of smokers. The self-loathing that transferred to pending inevitability as they told Dave down at the Fox & Hound how they’d been three days, four hours and thirty seven minutes since their last drag. Smokers have to work to quit – it’s a power of will. They deserve the boasting and the smug face. They earned their irritability. But vapers? Vapers throw the whole thing in our faces along with a billowing cloud of second-hand bubblegum dream. Vapers are much worse than smokers, and here’s why:
I used to detest visiting my mum’s house. Her 40-a-day habit (and they were menthol Vogues, of all things) left the house in a constant haze of burning tar. The stench was even more palpable than her self-loathing. But ever since her switch to vape pens, the house now smells like a popcorn shop. My dogs are confused. Now the room is filled with a thick cloud of smug and the insufferable relaying of conversations on how she’s managed to “kick the habit” as she charges up her fifth pen.
No one likes a smug motherfucker, but even worse is someone who is able to expel their smug like a sweet fart in the faces of the real quitters. As Bill Hicks says, ex-smokers are, “a bunch of whining little maggots.” Imagine what words he would’ve reserved for the new era of haughty vape cunts? I dread to think:
Vaping competitions are actually a thing
Yes that’s right. Not only do we live in a world where the Kardashians are alive and well, but we now also have to deal with the fact that vaping competitions are an actual thing. It’s done what beer-pong has to having a couple of bevvies, giving hyped-up, frat rats an even more annoying brand than douchebags. These guys now call themselves “the cloud chasers.”
“Oh yeah, go on bro – get up on that stage and see how much purple turtle vape you can suck into your pristine lungs. No freakin’ way dude, he just pulled a double ring.” *Chest bump* It’s like the Vanilla Ice of the smoking world. The human bar has been lowered to epic proportions. If you’re reading this and still don’t feel the appropriate amount of repugnance that should be handed to competitive vapers, then just check out a couple of these and get back to me:
Count me out.
It’s promoting self-affirmation to kids
What’s worse than teenagers? Teenagers who vape. It was bad enough when kids used to knock about outside Maccy D’s, choking their way through a clove rollie. Now they saunter about, e-cig up against their face with all the maturity of a five-year-old drinking flavoured coconut water.
This is the generation we need to watch out for. They are the ones who will grow up to be first league vaping competitors. They have been brought up on a diet of alcohol free-booze, low nicotine e-cigarettes and Justin Bieber. I miss the days when the goal of a house party was to get fingered, smoke a bong and kidnap a llama. Now I’m afraid it has been whittled down to clean-cut fun and vaping is the perfect accessory to supplement their white-washed lifestyle.
Fuck you, kids. You’re going to grow up to be happy, healthy and as irritating as Taylor Swift’s Instagram account. If it’s you guys taking care of me in the OAP home, I’m going to do myself in early on. Probably through cigarettes.
It looks like you’re sucking on a spaceship
E-cigarettes believe it or not started out looking like actual cigarettes. I guess the makers assumed people would be embarrassed to show off the fact that they were too weak-willed to go cold turkey, but not nonchalant enough to stay on the fags. Little did we know the monster e-cigs would create – vapers are a walking advertisement for their “positive life-choices” and they need the appropriate tool to present their brand.
As a result, vape pens look fucking ridiculous now. Check out some of the dumbest below:
I get it, smoking is bad for us and is pretty pointless, but it also has some cultural and creative relevance. Try to imagine the following scene from ‘Coffee and Cigarettes’ and tell me it wouldn’t be the dumbest thing ever if they replaced their fags with a red-glow R2D2 vape pen:
Listen, if you really can’t be arsed with lung cancer and yellow teeth, don’t succumb to the vaping community. Just check out Allen Carr’s (not the comedian with the annoying voice, the addiction expert author) ‘Easyway to quit smoking’ or go cold turkey. It’s the only way to quit smoking without being an utter douchebag.