Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

LEAHPUNTO

A large contingent of Romanians just moved into the flat next to me. Like 10-12 of them and it’s a 2 bed flat. Should I tell someone?

NINENINE9

My girlfriend accidentally booked us into a gay resort on our holiday in Spain a couple years ago. We ended up having an amazing time and even smoked crack cocaine with a gay couple for the first time in our lives. Not saying I’d do it again but it was an experience

WL

I work at a funeral home. One time I went to someone’s house to pick up a ‘client’. He died alone, and his dog had eaten his entire nose, both eyes and one ear. I can’t get that image out of my head.

YOUSOU

Went out with my boss and learned he’s a real ladies man despite being 30 years older than me. He asked me about girls I’m shagging seeing as I’m young and I made something up on the spot about having a girl lined up for Friday. I already have a story prepared for Monday in case he asks how it went (we banged obviously)

WHITENOISE

My girlfriend wasn’t in the mood so I paid her £20 for a blowjob and she graciously accepted

SMUDGE11

I got to the airport 3 hours before my flight and killed time by sitting at a cafe and imagining having sex with every female I saw, even the gross ones. I had 3 wanks in the toilets and by the time I was on the plane

[no name]

A couple of years ago I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean and wondered where it was set. I started to Google it, then realised. Took me 18 years.

TIMUR_999

My girlfriend is an alcoholic who embarrasses me every time we go out. One time I came out of a bar with my friends to find her laughing her head off while getting pretend shagged by her gay best mate over a barrier while everyone watched. Not sure how much longer I can put up with this…

BALZACK

Had a Friday night and Saturday night date lined up with two different girls. The girl from Saturday randomly walks into the pub on Friday and approaches me as I’m sat with the other girl but was careful not to expose me. Later that night she text me and said she had second thoughts about meeting the next night, which was fair enough. But I thought it was really cool of her to not blow up my spot like that.

MNAEEM20

I saw two punks in Camden sitting on the floor holding a sign saying ‘Get a punk drunk £1 per photo”. They didn’t look homeless, just a pair of losers who don’t want to work. Really wanted to kick the shxt out of them

[NO NAME]

My motivation to lose some weight was having to get off Colossus at Thorpe Park and do the walk of shame past everybody on the ride because the staff couldn’t close the harness over my beer gut.

TWAT

My friends all chipped in to get me a hooker for my 17^th as I was the only virgin left in the group. They were all in the front room as I was supposedly losing my virginity in the bedroom. The truth is we spent the whole time talking because I was so nervous that I couldn’t get properly hard. I obviously told my friends I banged her though

PERSPECTIVEO

Sometimes when my girlfriend’s going mental at me I film her reaction and replay it to her when she’s not mad. At the time she goes mental at me, but when she sees the video back she mostly apologies and then acts super cool for at least a few days. It works a treat.

TRISTAN

I shagged a girl who literally dumped her boyfriend over the phone as she was on the way home with me.

BLOD00

When I was growing up we had this big adult sized teddy bear just sitting in the corner of my room. Me and my bros would do wrestling moves on it. Well one day after much wear and tear the giant teddy bear opened up a rip between its legs. Anyway as a young lad going through puberty I began f***ing this teddy bear after school. Literally sticking my bare dick into the hole and slamming away at the cotton till I jizzed. Nearly 15 years later I’m still so ashamed of myself.

[no name]

I cycle to work in the early hours of the morning. In my shadow I see my coat flapping in the wind and I like to pretend I’m Batman and it’s a cape. Sometimes I even put the theme tune on in my pocket. I’m 39.

ISLINGTONGUY

My dick accidentally touched the urinal at a club and the next day my dick head had red blemishes all over and was itchy as f***. Turns out it was balanitis, easily treatable but still a wake-up call to be very careful at urinals

9PUZZLE

Got raped by a “big” girl at uni. Admittedly I was so drunk I brought her back to my room but I fell asleep after munching half a kebab. I woke up with her aggressively wanking my cock trying to get me hard. She then jumped on and rode my flaccid penis while I mumbled jibberish at her. I remember asking what she was doing and telling her to “just go home”. The rest is a blur but I also remember her eating the rest of my kebab before she left #metoo

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[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).

See you next Friday!