The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
When i was 10 I took a pen knife into a play wrestling fight because I listened to 50 Cent too much
Today is the second day in a row I’ve done nothing useful for myself or anyone else
There’s a girl who lives down the corridor from me at uni who has Aspergers and Bipolar and the other night I got a rare chance to talk to her during a fire alarm. She was drunk and strongly hinting at sex and talking about how casual she is about sex but I just didn’t go through with it. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about and let’s just say the next time that opportunity presents itself I’m going to fuck the absolute shit out of her just like she wants
I know that certain foods play havoc with my arse hole but I still eat them anyway and deal with the pain later.
Pierre Le Cochon
I fell asleep on the bus last night. Woke up lock in the bus depo at 5.30am. Called 999 and waited for the police to come get me out. Went back to sleep until 7.30 when the driver started work. Not sure if the police came or not. I had a great sleep and the depo was next to a blinding cafe. Win.
I’ve wiped standing up all my life and after reading all the confessions about this I still can’t understand what’s weird about it.. can someone explain
I listen to Taylor Swift’s 1989 album when I’m alone in the car. It’s a great album and anyone who disagrees takes themselves far too seriously
I got a semi reading the Mum Throws Underage House Party story
Was using the shower straight after my girlfriend once and noticed a little Malteser sized spec of poo on the drain.. Didn’t freak me out as much as it should have
So I was out in my home town at the weekend and saw a hot guy, off my tits on raspberry vodka I decided to go speak to him… It was strained to say the least… He was Romanian. I thought fuck it he’s hot I’ll give him a go. Took him home, whilst we were going at it I sobered up and realized he was such a creep. Instead of just saying stop I ran outside and down the road to my sisters house and told her boyfriend that he wanted to was into weird bondage shit. He stormed round to find a naked Romanian man starfishing on my bed and told him to fuck off. Apparently he asked for a high 5 and left. I have no shame in my accusations. Farewell Romanian friend. Farewell.
When I was horribly addicted to ketamine and had no k left to snort I tried to cook up my drip in a frying pan for it to recrystallize. It didn’t work.
I once fucked a guy in a nightclub toilets at uni and denied I remembered it because I was ‘so drunk’ and scared that everyone would think I was a slut. A couple weeks ago I fucked a guy in an alley way at home. I’ve accepted who I am and have decided to be at peace with my slutty actions. Both was good sex.
I’ve been a Manchester United supporter all my life, and I’ve secretly enjoyed seeing them play badly because it proves I’m not just a glory hunter.
I realised how shockingly sexist I am the other day when I was surprised that the female hairdresser managed to cut my hair the way I wanted. Deep down I really believed that only men could cut men’s hair properly. Time to reassess my whole belief system I think
good guy at heart
My girlfriend’s grandma died and part of me is thrilled I get to smoke weed and play GTA V without interruption for the next week while she goes to be with her family
There was a girl at my school who everyone was practically in love with. One day I stole her bra out of her sports bag, took it home, and wore it on my head while I had a wank. Another time I wrapped it round my dick and did the same. Then I got paranoid and cut it up and threw it in the bin. I was a weird kid.
One day I’m going to pay my parents back for the all money they put into my account not knowing all the shit I spend it on like weed booze and takeaway. I really don’t deserve such awesome parents. 1 more year of getting shitfaced then I’m getting my llife back on track.
I used to open up my laptop and Sick Chirpse every time after sex, kind of like a ritual and now my girlfriend hates this site with a passion and has banned my laptop from the bedroom
I have masturbated to completion in over 20 countries around the world
I cried at the end of Furious 7
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.