The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box — every week we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I want Ebola to really take off and wipe out half the population so the world has a future. Just not my half of the population. Every time I see an horrific news report on it I’m secretly cheering the disease on.
When I was younger I used to kiss my sister’s barbie on the lips hoping she’d come to life and be my girlfriend.
Gave my friend a blowjob just to see if sticking his dick in my Pop Rock filled mouth would enhance the experience — it didn’t.
This weekend I had my first one night stand – it was fucking awful. He managed to get hard but that was about it, he didn’t know where to put his penis and would continually take off the condoms, throw them at me and still try and have sex with me. He then left my room, flashed my flatmate, came back and demanded a massage then fell asleep in my bed so I couldn’t kick him out.
What a waste of condoms.
I once smoked a spliff of pubes for £10 while I was pissed
Was having sex with this girl and came in 30 seconds as usual. I kept going because I didn’t want her to think I came too quick and when I finally pulled my limp dick out the condom was gone. Turns out it came off and get lost inside her vagina which she then had to fish out. Haven’t seen or spoken to each other since.
Once I was very drunk trying to park my car and scraped the car in front of me quite badly. I pulled out took a few turns and parked elsewhere. When I returned to car next morning it turns out I didn’t park far enough because there was a note from the guy on my windshield saying he noticed the paint from his car scraped onto my car and has my details so urges me to get in touch.
When i came home blind drunk once i tried a pokey-bum wank with my girlfriend’s toothbrush (spur of the moment, nearest thing in reach) and still to this day don’t remember if I even washed it afterwards. Next morning she wakes me up having just brushed her teeth telling me that she thinks the bathroom water tastes a bit dodgy, i couldn’t bring myself to explain what really happened to her so I put in a complaint to the waterboard and told her to throw the toothbrush out because it might carry the contamination.
I’m too much of a pussy to tell my friends I’ve gone vegan with my girlfriend so have been avoiding eating with them for 3 months.
I used to wank in the work toilets with the slight hope that the butters cleaner would clock and want the d. I got a thing for matures.
To this day I can’t figure out how to put on my tie properly so my dad does it for me every morning. I’m 23.
I came during a lap dance once so told the girl I was too tired to have sex. Little did she know my boxers were drenched in cum.
I have read Sick Chirpse almost every day for the last 2 years. Not sure what that says about me.
I wet the bed after a one night stand at uni but left in the morning before he woke up. Spent the next 2 years panicking avoiding him on campus and around town.
When I was 12 had my first wank over a picture of my friend’s mum I stole from his house. Over 10 years later I still have the photo hidden in a box under my bed.
I fucked my mate’s bird 20 minutes after they broke up in the tent next to his.
I do simulations on FIFA every Saturday and Sunday morning to decide how I’m going to bet on the football.
I fucking hate my house mate so one night he cheated on his girlfriend with a German girl. I recorded them having sex (audio only) in order to black mail him into paying me the money he owes me and then for him to move out. He moves out next month. Cunt.
A female friend I’ve fancied for years left her email logged in on my laptop. I went through it and found a video of her fucking herself that she sent to her ex. I wank off to this video regularly.
I got hideously drunk with my best mate and her boyfriend and we ended up playing strip spin the bottle. Me and him dipped our cocks in her flatmate’s milk because they were an asshole, she danced on the kitchen table completely naked and we all shared a heated three way kiss. I had a steady girlfriend at the time, never told her a word of it and never felt in the slightest bit guilty. Still don’t to this day.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.