The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I stayed an extra stop on the tube and made myself late to work because I had a raging boner that refused to go down
If I don’t keep my pubes trimmed my penis virtually disappears
I sometimes play on psn with a quiet girl that I work with who I don’t usually talk to. We were into a game late one night and I got a horn on so decided to pump out a silent danger wank to her casual gamer talk, whilst playing it cool on the mic. And we won
I was jay
At end of term one year when I was in school me and my mates did a 5ive tribute act and not gonna lie, we brought the motherfuckin house down. Miss those days.
I went to my friends birthday a couple of years back and we ended up going back to his yard and having a few lines of special. I was very aware early on that I needed quite a large shit, and whilst the ceiling was falling I proceeded to crawl to the toilet a few floors down. After What I thought was five minutes I get a banging at the door asking if I was okay because I’d been in there for more than an hour. Turns out I’d stripped naked and taken a snapchat video of myself shitting, which i’d then sent to a chick I’d gone on a date with a couple of days before. Haven’t heard anything from her since in spite of my incessant texting… still optimistic though.
When people call me “boss”, “chief”, “pal”, “buddy” it really pisses me off and I’m not sure why.
My girlfriend’s given me 3 blowjobs since we got together a year ago and one of them was on my birthday.
I was at Maccy D’s the other day and one of the employees said to this black girl with an afro ‘Oh I like your hair, how long does it take to do it?’ The black girl went nuts at him about how it’s not appropriate to ask minorities those questions, especially black females. The fucked up thing is the worker was a gay Eastern European dude, probably the biggest minority in the room. Pissed me off and wish I’d spoken up for him.
The first time I ever wanked I got scared and thought I was going to pee
I don’t know whether I genuinely don’t care about anything or whether it’s just because i grew up in the late 90s & early 00s when not caring was cool & my brain had some sort of nonchalant ambivalent dickbrain as it’s internal ‘role model’.
I used to piss on the back of my calves every time I took a shit. Took a while to realise that it’s because my dick doesn’t hang low enough into the bowl so when I pee it passes through the gap underneath the toilet seat
I don’t even enjoy sex that much, I just need to cum
I have a secret folder on my laptop of my boyfriend’s best mate who I have a fucked up crush on. Literally hundreds of pictures from Instagram and Facebook.
One month ago my long term girlfriend broke up with me. I don’t think I am over it in the slightest in fact I seem to be struggling more this week. I haven’t been anywhere except to work and to buy food. I don’t want to see my friends because I still haven’t told them. I’ve stopped working out or eating properly. I’ve lost weight. I’m not much of a drinker so I just sit on my couch every night getting stoned and watching shit TV because watching anything good (Breaking Bad, Simpsons, Walking Dead) just reminds me of her because we always watched them together). I can’t understand how someone I was planning to marry could just decide one day she’s had enough of me. This isn’t a cry for help or anything, I would never think like that, but I’m just so depressed right now and can’t break out of it
I only watch porn with girls that I believe I would have a chance with in real life i.e. ugly girls
My friends all chipped in to get me a hooker for my 17th as I was the only virgin left in the group. They were all in the front room as I was supposedly losing my virginity in the bedroom. The truth is we spent the whole time talking because I was so nervous that I couldn’t get properly hard. I obviously told my friends I banged her though
I was on a boys holiday in Napa when we saw a guy frothing at the mouth and having some kind of drunk episode/seizure outside a club. People were freaking out trying to get away from him. My mate tried to calm him down but the guy was swinging his arms everywhere and being really disruptive, so my mate body slammed him in the middle of the road and left him there.
My boyfriend has a t shirt he wears which i absolutely hate (there’s a bikini girl print on the front ffs). One day instigating sex i did that boy a favour and ripped it off him so that he had to throw it away. I am a genius.
I was so drunk once that I started on a girl that wouldn’t give me her number in the club. She was terrified and went to get a bouncer so I quickly disappeared to the next floor. I wish I knew what came over me but fully appreciate that I am a scumbag.
Submit your confession(s) for next week HERE
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.