Could we have solved one of the biggest creepiest internet mysteries of all time? Could Akinwale Arobieke AKA Purple Aki, the muscle obsessed, serial lawbreaker be the same person as Spitman, the odd chap that pays kids to piss on him and rub his feet on their faces? Here at Sick Chirpse we have had our dedicated squat team of roving reporters and super sleuths on the case day and night for the last 6 weeks to try and unearth any potential links.
If you haven’t heard of spitman, you’ve been missing out, I’ll briefly explain in a nutshell: Spitman pays young men to rub their feet on his face and urinate on him in the stairwells of London housing estates. He’s been getting his rocks this way for years, and many a young boy has made some serious cash out of these dirty interactions.
Touching men’s faces with your bare feet is not a normal thing for a teenage boy to want to do, so Spitman coerces his young followers with crisp £5 notes. The youngsters in the deprived neighborhoods where he dwells are more than happy to rub their feet on his face for three minutes to get five pounds. Hell, I’d have a go if he asked me towards the end of the month.
Here’s a documentary about Spitman made by Vice:
All has gone cold on the trail of Spitman, he hasn’t been seen in an around his London haunts since the Vice documentary first aired. The piss stained hall ways and toilet cubicle floors are no longer the stomping ground of this strange pervert. Is it possible that Spitman left the area because of the new found and unwanted fame he received through the Vice documentary? We think so. He was probably hounded by kids looking for some quick cash.
Purple Aki (above), another strange, strange fish, now lives in the North West of the country. He’s a huge man with more than a passing interest in muscles, building muscles, touching other people’s muscles without their permission and measuring their muscles. He’s a daunting 6ft 5in tall man-mountain with a string of convictions as long as his reportedly massive dick. I saw this comment underneath a YouTube video:
LMAO! Seriously though, I saw Aki in the toilets once; his cock was the size and colour of an aubergine.
So that’s good to know.
If you want any more information about Purple Aki, here’s a song written by some bald fella:
Purple Aki was in the news just last week for having breached his Sexual Offences Prevention Order by measuring a student’s muscles on the bus. He claims he was set up by the Transport Police, but to be fair, he’s been told to stop touching stranger’s muscles about a million times and he obviously can’t help himself.
But what, if anything, links these two low-level maniacs together? Well, I’m glad you asked. The first and most important clue is that they both have deep perversions, but these perversions are only relatively low level. I mean, yes, it’s pretty fucked up to be paying a 15-year-old to piss on you, but there’s much worse going on elsewhere. In the same way, Purple Aki, who is a very intimidating guy to look at, hasn’t done anything particularly bad, he’s just touching up blokes arms and making them feel weird and nervous.
So they’re both gross, they’re both doing stuff that’s kind of illegal and they’re both a bit frightening. Also, they’re both about the same sort of age and both men are black. I’m also going to go out on a limb and say that both of these characters are probably mentally ill and could do with a little bit of psychiatric help. So, in conclusion, we reckon they are one and the same man.
Is that evidence enough for you Doubting Thomas? We rest our case.