TV’s The Eggheads. Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

I don’t like to use curse words in a title, but sometimes I am left with no other choice. Eggheads is one of those strange oxymorons of a television show. It’s absolutely insufferable, but people tune in en-masse and watch it anyway; myself included. For those who haven’t actually seen the show, I’ll explain.

A team of 5 contestants compete against a team of quiz show ‘professionals’ in one on one elimination rounds. The more rounds the team win, the more players they have left in the final round, where the remaining players on both teams square off and compete for prize money. It’s a staple of the 6pm light entertainment TV slot, one of the few alternatives to evening ‘get your razor blades ready’ news. The questions are of intermediate difficulty, so everyone can play along. Or what is more likely, you can play at home and when you get a question correct, smile smugly to yourself. Perhaps that’s just me…..

Nevertheless, it all sounds good right? What I failed to mention, is that the opposing team of ‘professionals’, not only enjoy a very high (and depressing) win/loss ratio, but are made up of 5 of the most evil individuals ever to grace a TV set.

I imagine everyone reading this has been to a pub quiz at one point in their life. There’s usually 3 types of teams: the casual team – those who don’t take things too seriously and are there to just have a good time; the student team – all of whom appear to be undergoing some form of bladder problem, made apparent by their frequent trips to the bathroom at the end of every round, hands pocket bound. Pretty hate-able;  and then there’s the team of regulars. They nod at the barman who secretly despises them, laugh at their own inside jokes and are outrageously obnoxious.You thought the funny smell emanating from the pub was stale alcohol, well you were wrong, it’s the stench of smug. Worst of all, they always win.

I understand that this is of course the marketing hook of the show. It’s a time tested formula, create a villain, or group of villains and people will go out of their way to see them foiled. It works in movies, boxing, wrestling and apparently even in weekday quiz shows. Still, these guys are of a different breed. Let’s take a look at the culprits shall we. Go through the cannonball run so to speak, by which I mean, I’ll tell you how I would like to run each one through with a cannonball.

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