As science and technology turbo-charges its way into the mayhem of the future, gadgets are reaching a new high. It wasn’t so long ago that an electric tin opener was pretty much the coolest thing you could purchase. Oh my, how the game has changed.
These days, we all carry a magical portal in our pockets that attaches us to the internet, remembers our mum’s birthday, wakes us up in the morning, and tells us how many steps we’ve taken to get to the pub.
The smartphone is the mother of all gadgets, so anyone who is looking to bring a new gadget to market really has their work cut out if they want to impress; a new version of Top Trumps just won’t cut it anymore.
What follows is a short list of gadgets that have, for whatever reason, caught my eye. They aren’t all hi-tech, but they are all weird, pointless and highly desirable… actually, they’re not all pointless – number 1 certainly is, but numbers 2, 5 and 8 are total game-changers.
1) Grassy Phone Charger
Yeah, so let’s start with this shall we? It looks like a patch of grass in a box, but it’s not – it’s a charging unit for all of your essential digital devices.
Why do you need this? Well, let me flip that question on its head for you – why don’t you need this? No home is complete with out an electronic slab of astro turf.
I found myself asking what the point of this contraption is and, if I’m honest with you, I didn’t come up with an answer.
2) Playstation Massage Controller
When I first heard about this gadget I lolled incredulously. But, as I contemplated the Playstation massage controller more thoroughly, my guffaw turned into a wry smile – these guys are onto something here.
This device kills two hefty birds with one stone. You want to play your console, your partner constantly complains about not getting enough attention – problem solved. This could, quite literally, bring peace to all earthlings.
The men will be happier, the women will be happier; arguments will decrease, people will no longer wake up in such a bad mood and take it out on their colleagues at work.
Burglars will stop burgling, fighters will stop fighting, misery guts will stop misering. The planet will be a blue ball of wonderful joy.
3) LED Umbrella
The LED umbrella, AKA the light saber umbrella, is a must have for all plums and pillocks who want to get a little more attention when it’s raining.
Most people who carry umbrellas in and around town centres are selfish idiots with no spatial awareness; so, hopefully, if they light themselves up like a fool, it will be easier to prevent the spokes from gouging out my eyeballs.
My only real concern with the LED umbrella is that it would attract insects. You might find yourself with a legion of moths in your mouth if you aren’t careful.
4) Solar Bikini
Sexy and environmentally friendly? Yes please. This solar powered bikini mixes getting your flesh out with saving the planet, an unholy matrimony that might just work.
The inventor – Andrew Schneider – is apparently in the process of designing a male version that generates enough energy to cool a pint of beer on a hot day. Now that’s an invention.
So far, neither the solar bikini nor the solar mankini gadgets are in the shops though.
5) Power Pooper Scooper
Tired of picking up your dog’s turds? Well, worry no more – kill your dog and be done with it. Only kidding of course – order this super charged battery-powered shit-sucker instead.
This has to be one of the grossest info adverts of all time, but it does look much better than picking poop up with your hands all day long:
“No mess, no fuss.”
6) Disinfection Scanner
It doesn’t look like much, but according to the blurb, if you point this thing at bacteria for a few seconds it will kill 99.9% of them. Personally, I don’t believe it, but what do I know about microbiology? I’ll tell you – sod all.
Their website says: “Still sharing your bed with 2 million dust mites?” It doesn’t go on to say “Try our nano-UV light device and share your bed with 2 million corpses instead.”
7) IllumiBowl Night Light
Yes, yes, yes and yes some more. No home is complete without the IllumiBowl night light. Just look at that glorious mother fucker right there.
Slashing on the toilet floor every single night of your life is no longer a problem. And, for the ladies among us, accidentally sitting on the cold ceramic surround because somebody left the seat up again, will be a thing of the past.
8) Japanese Facial Fitness Thing
No post on gadgets is complete without at least a passing mention of the Japanese – the inventors of gadgetry itself.
I haven’t done a survey or anything, but I reckon this face trainer is probably the best thing to have hit the shelves since seeded baps. Here’s the sales pitch:
If you’re anything like me, you probably lay awake at night thinking and worrying about how un-fit your face is. It sends a shiver down my spine when I contemplate my out-of-shape face.
Don’t worry though, with this Japanese invention, your face will be as toned as it is fresh.
Here’s how it works:
I AM SOLD. If you’re still in the market for more weird gadgetry, try these bad boys.