LIFE

Here’s The Proof That 2017 Is Going To Be Even More Shitter Than 2016

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You thought 2016 was bad, just you wait.

I know we’ve said this quite a lot recently, but there’s no denying the shared hatred felt for 2016. I don’t know why now, but so many shitty things have happened in the last 11 months, you almost wonder if God is finally making us pay for creating shit like ‘Geordie Shore’ and allowing people like Kanye West to continue making music.

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I hear you, God. Humans are pretty wanky, but we are your creation after all. And it hardly seems fair to lump us with Donald Trump, Brexit, the increasingly problematic race inequality and Theresa May. And why, oh why, did you have to take it out on David Bowie?

And yet while this has been a shitter of a year, it looks like 2017 is only going to get worse. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if anything 2016 was just the warm-up. Here are just some of the horrific events that are coming your way once the post-2016 New Year’s blues wear off:

Michael Flynn is going to ruin the world

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Donald Trump becoming President is a travesty and an embarrassment. A man who lied and cheated his way to the top with racist policies and bullying is going to be in charge of the free world from January 2017. It’s a joke.

However, what we should really be fearful of are the people Trump is appointing for his team. The fact is Trump has no political experience – he’s just a failing celebrity who ran for President and used sensationalist views and opinions to get a majority of ill-informed Middle ‘Mericans on his side. But his right-hand men and women are legitimately terrifying in their views and their political stance. The most worrying of all being Michael Flynn – Trump’s senior national security aide. Flynn is an open conspiracy theorist and Islamophobe who hangs around the darker corners of the white nationalist internet.

This is why it’s terrifying, as his movements within the White House will determine the fate of large parts of the world. The President needs nobody else’s confirmation to unleash the world’s most powerful military and intelligence services, which is why the national security advisor is normally a stable and wise character who is able to create and maintain a clear sense of strategies that are in the national interest. Basically, the opposite of Flynn.

If you thought the Iraq war was bad, something tells me we’ve got a lot worse coming our way once Tweedledumb and Tweedledee start coming up with action plans in 2017.

Any old twat is going to break into politics

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There’s definitely been a shift in how people perceive those in political power and who should be running for positions in government. Since Trump ran and won, there’s been a rise in confidence for people wishing to break in the world of politics despite having no background or experience whatsoever.

This mixed with the fact that our celebrity pool is full of complete and utter morons and we’ve got a severe crisis on our hands. I am almost 100% sure that king of the twats, Kanye West, will get the ball rolling in 2017 by running for President or some other political position. 

With this in mind, there’s no doubt that the UK will follow suit. And then where will it end? Are we going to see Katie Price on a right wing political think tank or one of the cunts from Geordie Shore as our next foreign secretary (having said that they’d probably be more fit for the job than Boris Johnson).

Either that or 2017 will be the year when we go backwards and start re-employing the politicians who got the world in a mess in the first place, like Tony Blair… oh no, wait a second.

No more David Attenborough

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This isn’t confirmed and is purely based on my prediction, but I reckon 2016 is the last time David Attenborough launches a documentary series. Think about it – ‘Planet Earth II’ took ten years to make. Attenborough is 90-years-old, so he’s getting on a bit. Even if he started a new project now, he’d be about 100 by the time it was finished. I have no doubt that Attenborough’s still got a few good years left in him, but surely he’s going to want to wind it down slightly as he is well in the Winter of his life.

Fingers crossed I’m wrong though. The man’s an absolute G.

The NHS will leave us for good 

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Last week we reported on the terrible news that Virgin Care Sir Richard Branson’s health care firm, Virgin Care, won a £700million contract to deliver 200 types of NHS and social care services to more than 200,000 people in Bath and North East Somerset.

This is only the beginning I’m afraid, and now that Jeremy Hunt and the media have done such a good job of convincing the ill-informed public that the NHS is inefficient (all the while pumping funding out of our National Health Service) I reckon we’re going to be seeing a lot more of our beloved service being handed over to the hands of the fat cats. Can’t wait for them insane hospital bills.

And here’s why we shouldn’t give a shit 

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I realise I have just outlined that we’ve got a bleak future ahead of ourselves, but it’s only going to be bleak if we let it. That fact is, the world is on its last legs, we’re all going to die at some point (potentially pretty soon) so we might as well take notice of the wider picture and be thankful that we were born in a country where we can afford warm beds, decent food and bags of weed. And do your bit of course – random acts of kindness go a long way guys.


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