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This Obsessively Specific Job Posting Will Make You Appreciate Your Crappy 9-5

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You’ve got to feel sorry for whoever ends up with this job.

If you work in a crappy 9-5 and you hate your job, or even if you don’t hate your job and you just want to know what it would be like if you did, then take a look at this ad below.

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A job listing for a personal assistant in San Francisco is doing the rounds after it popped up on Craigslist recently. On appearances it sounds great – working for a couple in their 40s who need someone to help with their busy lives and job. They start off with their “problem” they need solving and aside from being very detailed, it’s nothing too out of the ordinary:

We’re resorting to unhealthy take-out and processed foods — anything we can grab and munch on in-between working on our computers, we aren’t getting enough sleep (8 hrs/night is a must but rarely achieved), that very cute dog I mentioned doesn’t have someone to play with daily, personal social media accounts are neglected, I buy fresh flowers but don’t have time to trim daily and change the water, indoor plants are dying, vacations and fun trips aren’t taken because there’s no time to plan them, dirty laundry is neglected until we run out of clean clothes to wear, merchandise that should be returned doesn’t get returned, phone calls to customer support don’t get made, prescriptions aren’t refilled, instead of dry cleaning something it will just never be worn again, pants that are too long never get hemmed, that cute dog doesn’t get taught new tricks or get his coat brushed out as often as it needs to be, things that we’re meaning to order don’t get ordered, items slated for donation sit in a corner for months, groceries aren’t put away into the cabinet, the sink is eternally filled with soaking dishes/pots/pans, picture frames hang on the wall with no photos inside, the closet is in need of reorganization, appointments aren’t scheduled, information isn’t updated, nail polish gets chipped and remains chipped, investment opportunities go un-researched, and that crucial”date night” consists of collapsing onto the sofa and watching a movie because we’re so exhausted from the work week.

So it’s a bit much but relatively normal. However, just wait until you get a load of the HUGE paragraph titled ‘The Solution’. Here’s the person they are looking for:

You aren’t dramatic or tightly wound, however, you’re also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You’re level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You’re down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you’re wrong. You aren’t too stubborn to apologize. You don’t get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren’t dramatic and you aren’t having regular melt-downs. You’re warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is — big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You’re observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say “Oh, I forgot.” You believe that there’s a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You’re naturally organized and clean. You don’t like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they’re crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don’t feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won’t seem happy.) Your friends think that you’re the one in your group who has their act together the most in terms of being responsible, responsive, and risk-averse. You take pride in working smart vs. working hard. You do things well AND you do it as quickly as possible. You consistently strive for both quality and speed. You like to laugh and your friends think you can be funny. You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)! You care about visual presentation and delivery of your words. You enjoy making things look nice. You enjoy making things smell nice. You have a kind heart and try to not be selfish. You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story. If something needs to get done, you find a way. You’re very comfortable with technology and devices. You use your smartphone all the time. You use your laptop all the time. Google is your best friend. You take pride in how you look — whatever that “look” or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you’re “bohemian chic” but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you’re “cool hipster” but don’t wear the super tight jeans that won’t leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog’s potty bags, you’re totally “minimalistic modern” but avoid the white on white look so you’re not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.)

Wow. So basically they’re looking for someone who is empathetic, humble, caring, hardworking, obscenely OCD but also has a beaming social life while spending their waking hours on their phone/laptop/Google, enjoyer of nice-smelling things, cool hipster, minimalist modernist who wears bohemian chic clothes while also having a completely individual style. Sound like you? No of course it doesn’t, because it would quite literally be impossible for a person like that to exist.

I don’t know who these people are or if they’re trolling us or not, but either way there’s no doubt in my mind that working for anyone who puts out an advert like that would be completely and utterly insufferable. Whatever your job is, be it retail or office work or unemployed, I’m hoping that this ad has given you a newfound appreciation for it – because at least you’re not working for these two pillocks.

It’s like the opposite of this job where they pay you to drink gin all day long. The dream.

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