I don’t need to make this clear to any of you lot, I’m sure, but just so we get off on the right foot: Donald Trump is a grade A plum. He’s a bigoted, moronic racist with a utterly bizarre wig.
In short, he’s a horrible man who has, almost by accident, become one of the most powerful men on earth. Say what you like about politics, but it certainly doesn’t seem to be working very well at the moment.
On top of Trump’s misogyny and racism, he also holds a lot of weird conspiracy theories, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOAD.
Perhaps if I was one of the biggest dicks in the world and, at the same time, I’d managed to almost become President of America, I would believe in conspiracy theories too. I mean, that’s pretty good evidence that something weird is going on.
Below are some of the odder theories to have dripped from Mr Trump’s foetid cake hole. Some of them are well-known conspiracies in their own right, others he seems to have manufactured all on his own… what a clever boy.
1) Bill Ayers Wrote Obama’s Book
Obama wrote a book called “Dream Of My Fathers.” There’s a far-right conspiracy theory that Bill Ayers wrote it. Ayers was a radical activist in the 1960s. The theory has been knocking about for ages – it started off as a joke, but right-wingers love trying to undermine Obama in any way they can.
This is what Trump said in a Fox News interview in 2012:
He had a book, whether he wrote the book or not, but that book pushed him very hard and very strongly. And then they get into who really penned that book. It would be an interesting question for people to figure out.
I don’t believe — I think somebody else had a lot to do with that book. I think he wrote the second book, which was certainly not a masterpiece. I’m very good at books, and it certainly wasn’t a masterpiece.
If you can’t be bothered to read that entire quote, this is the most important bit: “I’m very good at books” – literal LOL.
2) Obama’s Passport Conspiracies
A lot of people have questioned where Obama was born. Big deal. It’s too late, he’s President. Trump takes it one step further, though. He believes a Hawaii official who knew the truth was killed to silence him. GOOD ONE.
3) Ted Cruz’s Dad Killed JFK
If you want to be a bona fide conspiracy theorist, you simply must have a theory involving JFK somewhere along the line. In this case, Trump has earned his stripes. He has accused his rival’s dad of being related to one of the people involved in JFK’s assassination.
Ted’s dad – Rafael – has been accused of this crime by Trump in no less than three interviews.
Well… America’s motto is “never trust anyone” so you never know… he was around at the time and he lived in America and I bet he had a gun, so…
Anyway, when Cruz dropped out of the race, Trump said that he hadn’t really believed that theory. So he’s lying now, or he was lying then. Either way: your pants are on fire, Mr Trump.
4) Thousands Celebrated 9/11 In New Jersey
JFK – check, 9/11 – check. Trump has a bunch of 9/11 theories. In one of them, he claims that thousands of Muslims celebrated in the streets as the Twin Towers fell. Despite there being literally no evidence at all, Trump stuck to his guns. It’s almost as if he wants to insight racial hatred, isn’t it? He can’t be trying to do that, surely? Not Trump, a lovely fat-headed business-dick… that can’t be right… What an arsehole.
I know it might be not politically correct for you to talk about it, but there were people cheering as that building came down, as those buildings came down, and that tells you something. It was well covered at the time.
No. It wasn’t.
5) 9/11 Attackers’ Wives Flew Home
According to Trump, the wives and girlfriends of the 9/11 attackers flew home to the Middle East a few days before the attacks took place. Why does this matter? Well, he used this argument to defend his plan to kill the family members of terrorists. That’s a nice idea, you sadist psychopath.
He said that:
People were put into planes that were friends, family, girlfriends, and they were put into planes and they were sent back, for the most part, to Saudi Arabia. They knew what was going on. They went home and they wanted to watch their boyfriends on television.
In reality, none of the attackers had wives or girlfriends in America in the days, and even months, running up to the attack. In good old Trump fashion: evidence is irrelevant, as long as I get my point across.
6) Syrian Refugees Are Mostly Men
In another attempt to fill Americans with even more hatred and fear of dark-skinned people, Trump turned on refugees. He said that Syrian refugees are mostly “young, strong men” who “look like prime-time soldiers.” He suggested that they are part of an ISIS “Trojan Horse” because there are “very few” women and children refugees.
In reality – which Trump has no interest in – Syrian refugees are predominantly women and children. But, let’s not allow the truth to get in the way of good old fashioned shit-fuckery.
7) Syrian Refugees Aren’t Vetted
He reckons that Syrians aren’t vetted when they come into the country. They are. It’s quite a long process and can take up to 2 years. But, again, the truth is of no interest to our dodgy mate Trump. I think the direct quote explains this much better than I could:
We don’t know who these people are. We don’t know where they’re from. They have no documentation. We all have hearts and we can build safe zones in Syria and we’ll get the Gulf states to put up the money.
We’re not putting up the money, but I’ll get that done. But you know what? We can’t let this happen. But you have a lot of them resettling in Rhode Island. Just enjoy your — lock your doors, folks.