Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #216

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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attaturk

After school we used to run a Fight Club and because I was small I was forced to fight this Turkish girl who was the toughest girl our year (and probably the whole school). Long story short I kicked the fuck out of her. Didn’t want to but snapped after she punched me in the lip. Wrestled her to the floor and ground and pound till people broke it up. They weren’t even mad at me, that’s how tough this girl was.

Maccieswhore69

I used to be morbidly obese, now I’m just obese and everyone congratulates me for it. I feel like a fraud, I’ve still got tits.

Ihatemyself

When I’m on a date I try to always give a homeless person money with the hope that the girl I’m with will think I’m a nice guy and will increase the chances of her sleeping with me

deviousdan

I literally spent years prank calling this random dealer who ripped me off for about half a g of coke. Sometimes I’d call him at 2am and he’d answer and I would make weird clicking sounds with my tongue down the phone while he stayed on the line whispering “what the fuuuuck?” to himself. Spooked him many a time. That’s what happens when people rip me off

notgay

I have a theory that if you wank to enough straight porn you eventually start to want something extra. I haven’t gone full gay yet but I gone from watching exclusively straight porn to watching shemale porn to recently starting femboy porn. It’s not gay because it’s the feminine aspect I am attracted to.

nottscarly

I love my parents so much but talking to them on the phone is absolute torture

anonemouse

When I was around 13 the internet was yet to go mainstream so I was stuck wanking to Playboy magazines and late night TV. Anyway, for ages I had this one magazine I’d constantly wank off to. After a few months I got bored of wanking over the same girls so I tried to make things interesting by writing perverted stories about the girls in the pictures. I wrote stuff so disgusting I can’t even share it here. I would then rip the stories up and put them in the bin because my parents would have probably put me in a mental home if they found and read them

Watersportslover

I love getting pissed on during sex. Sometimes my girlfriend will sit on my face and drown me in her golden shower. Its proper naughty and hot.

Rip_d

My diet generally consists of kebabs, crisps and sweets and I cannot remember the last time I ate a salad. I drink one actimel a day which fools me into thinking I’m being healthy. I genuinely don’t expect to live past 50.

bruno

My dog loves everyone but growls when he spots one particular guy at the bus stop outside our window. Dodgy looking guy in a flat cap. I’ve been seriously considering following him one day as I’m sure my dog has sensed something very wrong about him

window clicker

one night i woke up in the middle of the night as i heard my neighbours having sex. i whacked off to the sounds of her groaning before self-righteously bemoaning them the next day to my mother and girlfriend.

Greenfeind

I only get high so I can have a banging wank

cauliiflowerdave

I used to fake taking a shower when I was a kid. I’d just run the water for a bit and sprinkle a little bit on my hair. Too much effort washing everywhere and getting dried up afterwards.

chaz

I wake up at least twice every night needing to take a piss and I’m too lazy to go to the doctor about it even after reading that it’s pretty much the number one symptom of diabetes

2wipejohnny

Whenever I cuss the Kardashians or Real Housewives of wherever my girlfriend always starts defending them and saying the only reason people hate them is because they’re jealous of their lifestyles. I love my girlfriend but don’t know if I can see myself being with someone who thinks this way