Salford’s ‘Knight Warrior’ Superhero Retires

Knight Warrior

The Salford ‘Knight Warrior’ has finally hung up his cape… It was probably for his own good.

Knight Warrior

If Batman has taught us anything, it’s that Adam West should never have worn Lycra.

If he’s taught us two things, it’s that Adam West should never have worn Lycra and Joel Schumaker is a fucking idiot.

If… Alright, y’know what? Batman has taught us a lot of things, and somewhere on the long list (right above “adopting muscular young orphans doesn’t raise as many questions as you’d think”) is the idea that one man can make a difference, if he tries hard enough.

Through obsessive dedication and tireless, intensive training, Bruce Wayne transformed himself from a normal man into a perfect physical specimen, hell-bent on revenge and skilled in the dark arts of the East.

Which all seems like a lot of hassle, frankly, and tends to lead to people like “Knight Warrior,” the unimposing and possibly dyslexic “superhero” who has been running around Manchester in a purple suit.

“Knight Warrior” (two words that sort of mean the same thing, but don’t make any sense when put together) has stated that his aim is to “get people to like each other,” and patrolled with his girlfriend “Knight Maiden,” a name that makes no sense and was attached to a woman who, in all honesty, was probably more physically imposing than Knight Warrior anyway.

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Recently, whilst out walking as their civilian alter-egos, the Underwhelming Duo were recognised by some local chavs and took something of a pasting, prompting Knight Warrior and Knight Maiden to retire from the superhero life, and vow only to don their costume for charity events and, presumably, awkward, nerdy sex.

Knight Warrior

With the people of Salford now free to fight outside a kebab shop without a pussy in a Lycra jumpsuit intervening, there is apparently a gap in the market for scrawny kids with no training to ponce around the rougher parts of Manchester, solving no crimes and losing fist fights.

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Recent reports suggest that, with his attempts at vigilante justice and crime fighting having ended with a savage beating, Knight Warrior (who lives with his mum) has decided to host a community radio show.

That’s the spirit, Knight Warrior! If you can’t make a difference as a pipsqueak in a leotard, and you’re too stupid to become a doctor or a lawyer or a policeman and actually help people or serve justice, then the least you can do is host phone-ins.

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