LIFE

5 Dickhead Bosses And How To Beat Them At Their Own Game

Horrible Boss

Working sucks: FACT. Here’s part three of our office survival guide. Today we cover five common types of boss and how to defeat them.

Whether you like you job or not, and let’s face it you probably don’t, you‘ll always have someone to answer to. Unless you’re the head honcho, and let’s face it you probably aren’t, there’s bound to be someone riding you hard on a daily basis.

Surviving office life is a drag and I’ve made it my mission to help you out as best I can. So far I have charted a mind numbing career based solely on the bottom rung of the ladder, and as such I know only too well the many pitfalls and bug bears of the office landscape.

We recently posted a few tips on how to waste time in the office and equally importantly how to impress you boss with minimum effort. Today we focus on the types of bosses you may encounter daily, and how to manage them.

1) The Fascist

Worst Type Of Manager - Hitler

I’d say that the majority of offices house within their walls a mini-Hitler of some description. It’s a bit of a sweeping statement but they’re often shorties with a Napoleon complex (interestingly Napoleon was actually about normal height for a French fella of the day, so there you go).

These guys will bark at you all day long, that’s how they make themselves feel better. It’s easy to want to ram your knuckles down their gullet and crush their spleen in your fist, but try to remain calm. Remember, you are the better person, and they are racing headlong towards a cardiac arrest so the joke’s on them.

What you need to do is allow them to kick off like a prepubescent Wolverine but never look downhearted, that will appear as weakness which they detest. On the other hand make sure you don’t smile, for the love of Allah do not smile. That to them is like receiving a wet fish slap to their sun burned yam bag. Remain calm at all times and look them in the eye, that unnerves them because they were never loved as a child.

It’s essential to remain resolute, do as they say but nothing more. Never go the extra mile, just do what’s asked, whenever it’s asked, but at a moderate pace. They will think they’ve won, but all you’ve done is your job, which you would have done any way. You must never allow them to have a high performing department.

Now for the sneaky part. If someone more senior than your personal Hitler ever talks to you about the Fuhrer’s management style or asks you any questions about him in general, make sure you say that he is “scary” and “easily enraged”, not in a cry baby tell-tale way, but just in a matter of fact way; this will plant some negative seeds in his mind. Maybe mention that you worry about his “blood pressure” or “ability to handle stress”. These seeds of doubt will eventually grow, and the more colleagues do this, the more turds Mr Sadist will have to tread through to get up the crud covered ladder.

Second prong of the attack: If you can sabotage the printer just before Hitler does a big and urgent print job — good. Every single day, take their coat off the hanger and leave it on the floor. If you can shake up their can of Coke, crush their bag of crisps, put extra sugars and a few coffee granules in their tea — all the better. Basically construct as many serendipitous accidents as you can so that his rage levels go through the roof for seemingly miniscule events. This will make him look mental to his peers and senior management. NOTE: these actions must not be traceable.


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