I did a post a while back showcasing some bonkers book covers. On that bewildering and confusing journey I came across a bunch of other crackers that I didn’t use at the time. Today I was busy doing a bit of housekeeping on the old PC, you know, clearing out things I don’t remember downloading, emptying folders that I swear I didn’t create and deleting some horrifically bad tunes I’d written on Fruity Loops about 10 years ago.
During my admin frenzy I found a file hidden under a cyber rug simply named “covers”, what could it hold I wondered? Double click was swiftly followed by joy. Here they are.
1) Anybody Can Be Cool, But Awesome Takes Practice
In this weighty tome, “bestselling” author Lorraine Peterson sets out to help teens discover what god says about each one of them. It’s described as an “adventure in letting truth shape one’s self-image”. It looks a bit crap to be honest. It’s nice to see they’ve pushed the boat out with the forced multiculturalism though.
2) Armed America
This is a book that glorifies gun ownership in a country with one of the highest numbers of gun related deaths (outside of a war zone) in the world. Hurray for fire arms!…. pillocks. Here’s a terrifying stat from a survey in 2007 for you: In America there are 89 guns per 100 people. Wow.
3) Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Identity
This awful book was written in 1982. It’s venomous author describes homosexuality as “promiscuous and perverted sexual behavior” and bemoans the fact that “homosexuality has been sold to the unwary public as a right between consenting adults”. Thankfully this sort of twaddle would not be so well received these days.
4) Coyote’s Big Penis
This is a collection of stories apparently. It doesn’t matter though, I doubt anyone’s made it past the cover.
5) The Doom Pussy
This classic was banged out in 1967 by author and actress Elaine Shepard. I suppose “pussy” has somewhat changed its meaning nowadays. The innocence of this rollicking action novel is forever lost.
6) Down Home Gynecology
Apparently this title was an attempt to make medicine relating tp a certain sensitive area a little more understandable and less frightening to hicks and hillbillys from the deep South. Here’s a quote to give you an idea of how they attempted to achieve this noble goal: “Now that you’ve done that, look at those breasts for any one of the followin’ skin reactions; such as: scalin’ or discharge or any oozin’ stuff; puckerin’ or unusual shrivelin’ of the nipple (now we’re not talkin’ about if you’re cold, you know that), or unusual redness”.
A lovely story about a naughty boy who ran away and got eaten alive by a lion. I suppose the purpose is to terrify kids into behaving. I bet it worked, for about half an hour.
Here’s a section of text:
8) The English: Are They Human?
Well, I don’t know. I think I’m human, but maybe I’m just a figment of a Frenchman’s imagination floating in a silvery German cloud? Here’s a quote from the intro written by the Dutch author:
“I am speaking about the English, not about the British. There is no question in this work of the Scots, proud, intelligent, religious and unfathomable. Nor the Welsh, minute, musical, clever and temperamental. I am not writing about the charming untruthful, bloodthirsty and unreliable Irish. I shall be exclusively concerned with the English, the unintellectual, restricted, stubborn, steady, pragmatic, silent and reliable English”.
9) Fancy Coffins To Make Yourself
Funny? Yes. Useful? Maybe I guess. They’re pretty expensive things when you consider that all they do is hold a corpse for a bit. It sort of makes sense to make your own. I wanna go out in a cardboard box; leaving this mortal struggle in a manner that befits my social standing.
10) Fellow Fags
Another one of those words that’s sort of been twisted over time. It was written in the 30s but I’m afraid I don’t know anything more about it. They do look like some enchanting dandys don’t they? And they don’t seem to be keeping much of an eye on the ball, so maybe the associated modern meaning was implied? Who knows.
11) Firebrands Of Christ
I’m guessing this was a book (or possibly a comic) that glorified our colonial destruction of whole swathes of cultures. It looks like the minister is preparing to preach to these “heathens” and once that’s failed he’ll steal all their belongings and lands, rape a couple of their women folk and then infect the rest of the people with terrible new diseases. Once he’s cut the population down to a manageable size he will simply pretend it never happened and use all of their stuff until there’s a war. Then he’ll make loads of weapons, sell them to both sides and hope they wipe the remaining people out entirely. If that doesn’t work he’ll simply phone America who will turn up with the best of intentions and slaughter the them all by mistake, along with a few of their own men. Ahhh… the mighty wisdom of the West.
12) All Of My Friends Are Dead
…And the sequel…
13) God Comics
OK, so not an actual book this time, it is a comic, but worth a look hey? It looks like god is saving his son who’s been crucified by Hitler and his mates. Bottom left it says “45 smash pages of god!” I’m sold.
14) The Hardboiled Dicks
Yeah, so.. errr. It’s actually a book about detective stories, so it’s kind of high brow. Bad choice of name though guys.
15) Harpo’s Horrible Secret
I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong. And you should wash your brain out immediately. The secret that’s really weighing on Harpo’s mind is that his grandpappy has Alzheimers and he’s worried he will get it too. So let that be a lesson to you.
16) Identifying Wood
Dude, there’s no need for a book about it, you can pretty much identify if something is wood by just looking at it.
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17) Knitting With Dog Hair
Simply disgusting. It’s not even a joke as far as I can tell. A description on Amazon has this to say:
“From mittens from a Malamute to caps from a Collie, this illustrated guide is the creative answer to that vexing shedding problem. This fetching book is certain to be this year’s best in show!”
18) Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles?
I doubt it to be honest, no. Well, here’s a note from the author: “Their precious youngsters are infected by the secular filth and lies being taught by unsaved teachers in America’s public school system. The book teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility”.
Dr Cameroon goes on to say… “In the old days, deluded pagans would gather round and hump like bunnies on Easter Sunday because they thought it would make their tomatoes grow faster”.
19) Matilda Who Told Lies And Was Burned To Death
Well that sounds like a heart warming tale doesn’t it?
20) The Pantyhose Craft Book
Ever wondered what to do with left over pantyhose? Nope, nor me. I normally just keep them in the bin like everyone else. Not that I wear pantyhose… honest.
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21) What Shat That?
Hilarious, but I suppose it could be useful in the wilderness if you’re a hunter or a tracker or whatever they get up to. Round my neck of the woods it would be dog, cat or tramp. The end.
And for the sake of completion here’s the alternative cover which is, if anything, even better but more disgusting:
22) How To Shit In The Woods
This seems like an appropriate follow-up to the previous title. It says at the top that there are over a million copies in print. It doesn’t mention how many of those printed copies have been purchased though.
The author points out that more and more people go out hiking etc and it’s rare to be told how to poop in the wild without spreading your dirty diseases around. She says “…until roughly ten years ago, no one ever considered it unsafe to drink directly from mountain streams. You could stretch out on the bank of a high mountain meadow creek and just push your face into the water to drink … no longer can we drink even a drop before purifying it without running the risk of getting sick”.
23) All That Rain Promises And More
It’s a book about fungi apparently. Not sure what the point of the trombone is? Maybe he’s picked a few of the wrong type of mushrooms, or maybe he’s picked exactly the right type of mushrooms, I’m not sure what he’s into.
David Arora absolutely loves mushrooms, here he is in 2000. Still loving the shrooms:
24) Scouts In Bondage
Another title from a bygone era of innocence.
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25) Still Stripping After 25 Years
Eleanor may still be stripping, but is anyone still watching? That’s the real question.
26) Teach Your Wife How To Be A Widow
Sounds pretty sinister doesn’t it? This 1953 book was written to ensure that ladies, dunces that they are, could carry on your business once you’ve expired. You know, things like wills and insurance and that. It was written to be helpful but of course, with our modern ladies as they are, all voting and driving and such, it does come across just a tad condescending.
27) How To Succeed In Business Without A Penis
With chapter titles like “Support For Balls In Business”, “Advanced Romance Skills” and “The Rise And Fall Of The Penis” this looks like a good bloody read.
28) How To Get A Teenage Boy & What To Do When You Get Him
So, I’ll leave you with this one. Hmmm…