CHIRPSES

The 2013 Comprehensive Guide to the Dick Pic

The dos and don’ts of the dick selfie, based on the colourful life of Anthony Weiner’s trousersnake.

3. SETUP

SELFIE

Are you feeling creative? Well, stop right there, because the dick pic zone is no place for artistic flair. Here, you have only three options; the Bird’s Eye View shot, the Full Frontal shot, and the Myspace Mirror shot. Crazy camera angles are no friend of the dong selfie.

4. COCK CONTEXT

SELFIE

If you’re sending someone a dick pic, it goes without saying that the dick should be the primary focus of the photo. Not your feet, not your pants, and not your clammy wanking hand. Imagine the photo split into thirds, and allocate just one of those thirds for background. The two thirds that are left are all for your junk (this is not applicable to the mirror pic, because that would look absolutely insane). Whilst we’re on the topic, have a think about the last time anyone ever said “just the tip” and meant it in a good way. Mull that over for a minute.

5. DRESS CODE

SELFIE

Are you a man or a mouse? Then take off your pants and jacket, this isn’t a peep show, it’s a potentially life ruining dick pic, so you might as well go all the way. If, like Mr. Weiner, your picture goes public you’ll look like you were too shy or nervous to go all the way. A dick pic is a dick pic, whether or not your pants thinly veil it. The dress code for the shlong selfie is always birthday suits.


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