CHIRPSES

The 2013 Comprehensive Guide to the Dick Pic

The dos and don’ts of the dick selfie, based on the colourful life of Anthony Weiner’s trousersnake.

1. BACKDROP

SELFIE

In any photo, the background is important. Have you seen the picture of the girl who took a selfie with a shit in the toilet right behind her? Awkward! One of the worst things about Weiner’s picture is the fact that your eyes are just drawn to the grubby towels and rugs under his feet. It looks like he could have taken the shot in the Congress store cupboard or his nan’s sitting room. He looks like he might trip over. I barely noticed the dick because the backdrop was so distracting. Not hot. I would suggest a clean floor, perhaps a bathroom floor to show that you wash.  There should be no other objects in the frame; no turds, no wedding rings, no pets and no children.

2. LIGHTING

FLASH

You know what looks really disturbingly creepy? A gloomy, shadowy, seedy dick pic. But you know what’s equally off-putting? A bald person photographed with flash on. Enough said.

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