A man named Edward Lane was so sick of his girlfriend making him take all the pictures for her increasingly popular Instagram account that he decided to start his own.
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But instead of advertising the usual avocados, Fit Tea and kombucha crap, Edward promotes chicken nuggets, beers and cheeseburgers, alongside his marker pen drawn on abs.
Here’s a selection of some of his best posts:
WHO WORE IT BETTER? // Best of luck to my ultimate abs-piration @wellness_ed at today's @lululemonuk #sweatlife festival. She may need to work on the shading in of her six-pack, and she definitely envies my leggy blonde pins, but she's gonna knock her #wellnessmindset talk about the park today in front of 300 people (literally 💯💯💯). You're a fucking legend, gonna be super proud, blah blah blah more lovey bollocks not suitable for public consumption. . And yes, I will be there. And yes I will be wearing my abs. Obvs.
HAPPY PLACE // Another day, another hectic morning. To combat the hubbub I've now awarded myself a sacred 10mins of meditation at the beginning of every day. Recently proven to increase #productivity, it has also been known to have extreme powers, helping you to manifest your greatest desires, whether that's extra days of holiday or, in my case, cool, refreshing post-workout drinks filled with much-needed electrolytes from @carlinguk. Here I present photographic evidence of the powers of #meditation – Mumbo Jumbo this is not, #haters. Try it for yourself and tag a friend who could do with some early morning manifesting! 🙌🏼
🍆15 FACTS ABOUT ME🍆 . 1️⃣ Much like a dog, I can't look up. 2️⃣ Wellness Ted in Chinese is Shi Sa Bao Ted – which doesn't make a lick of sense. 3️⃣ I ran a marathon in 1h 59m yesterday but you don't see me making a big song and dance about it 4️⃣ My favourite number is 69 5️⃣ I can hold my breath for 8minutes 6️⃣ The account @wellness_ed is a cheap parody of mine and must be stopped 7️⃣ I cooked the chicken nuggets that Usain Bolt ate before he won Olympic gold 8️⃣ My favourite film is White Chicks 9️⃣ I invented avocado on toast. You're welcome 🔟 My abs were not made in the kitchen. They were made at Dollar Chicken (#spon) 1️⃣1️⃣ When you start typing #spon the first one that comes up is #spongebobmemes. What's that all about? 1️⃣2️⃣ I like big butts and I cannot lie (OK, that's two things about me, but whatever) 1️⃣3️⃣ My favourite machine in the gym is the vending machine 1️⃣4️⃣ I haven't eaten gluten. Ever. Like. Never. And look at this body. Case and point. 1️⃣5️⃣ Last week I recorded a fart of 87 decibels – equivalent to the sound of a dirt bike travelling at 55mph 💨 . I tag in my good friends @davidbeckham @mileycyrus @beyonce and @madonna to share a little bit more about themselves. Thanks for reading everyone!
"Fame for me is not external, it's internal. So I've been famous for a long time" – @ladygaga. . . Some of you may have noticed my perfectly contoured face pop up across the World Wide Web yesterday. It seems the penny has dropped and the importance of a nugget-based diet, beer-filled hydration plan and health enhancing facts backed up by rigorous research from Sesh University is finally getting the international acclaim it deserves. . . And that's what's coming. The fame won't change my mission. I'm the same today as I was yesterday. So to my new followers/family welcome. And to my day-ones, thank you – I couldn't have done it without you. I hope I can call on all your support as I try and change the #wellness world one aspirational abs shot at a time. Feeling #hashtagblessed today! . . Now to celebrate with my favourite balanced breakfast combo🍗🍺
6PACK SECRETS // While so-called experts would have you believe this kind of transformation takes months I've got some good news – it takes 30secs. Sure transformation plans promise better health, but when you're thirsty for likes, followers and – let's be honest – your first #spon post, the sooner those abs pop on screen the better. Well, allow me to share the insider secrets I've learnt since becoming the 'grams hot new #microinfluencer (don't say I'm not good to you 😉). The trick is to spend hours and hours taking selfies, working out the exact angle and filter (Clarendon, duh!) that best defines your 6-pack. Swap from a T-shirt to sports bra to fool others into thinking you've been in the gym. Finally tense so hard that you may or may not fart and take the snap. Post it and watch the praise come in. Because what's the point getting your body out of strangers on the internet can't tell you how pretty you look, right? And today I'm feeling pretty! Try it and tag me in so we can all support each other on our own journey.
HUMP DAY // Or should that be Frog-Pump day 🐸? Here's one of my favourite exercises to 🔥 my glutes. I have no idea why, but I get so much attention from guys in the gym when I do this exercise, and I'm just like, "you wish". I'm working on this ass for me, not so some sleazy guy in a backwards cap can come and talk to me. Back off. The weights room is for girls, too! Anyway. Rant over! Try adding 3 sets of 25 reps – FAST – at the end of your workout to make serious butt gains in days 🍑 ✌🏻️
PREP MAKES PERFECT // People don't realise the hard work that goes into looking as lean as I do. Achieving 23% body fat and a set of pen-drawn abs requires forward thinking. Which is where meal prep comes in. Here you'll see what that effort can get you – just 14mins at 200c can bake you 5 lunches filled with protein, fishy brain food and enough quick release carbs to fuel your post-work #HIIT session.
PROGRESS // I'm so proud to show you how far I've come this year – 2017 has been a #wellness whirlwind, but I've managed to keep my feet on the ground and strive everyday to be the best version of myself while pursuing my passions. Cheese-covered or otherwise! This progress has all been made possible through rigorous face yoga sessions, regular foam rolling of my jaw to work on my mobility, as well as harnessing the power of positive mantras (difficult to say with a mouthful of @mcdonalds!) It's posts like these that I try to show you past all the glamour of six-pack abs and perfect pink activewear, and a glimpse of all the hard work that goes into healthy living. Perseverance pays off for everyone, and if I can do it, so can you!
GOING PALEO // I've started eating like a real cavewoman recently. Going prehistoric rather than eating processed junk has really helped me to stabilise my blood sugar, get more energy and give my workouts a little more BITE. Dinosaur is a muscle building delicacy I can't recommend more – thankfully high-end delicatessen #bernardmatthews has released its own range to bring it to the masses. Tuck in!
GET SERIOUS // Your nutrition plan is no laughing matter. And all good prep should be done with a straight face. Seriously. Not even a smirk. If you're too busy having fun how else would you know that CRUSHING your avocado, rather than the outmoded smashing technique, is a new way to ensure your food is pre-chewed when it enters your mouth, increasing the bioavailability of all the vitamins and minerals in everyone's favourite #wellness ingredient – helping with everything from healthy #weightloss to disease prevention. Compound this with the effects of dropping it from a height and this superfood just got super-er. Health is a steep learning curve, not a game. If just one of you walks away from here and begins preparing their avocado like this I will have done my job, spreading cutting edge science to the masses. #yourewelcomeworld
MORNING MANTRA // Waking up on a Monday with a week of hard work ahead of you, it's good to have a plan. Words to live by. A recipe for success, if you will. I know that when life gets complicated I can boil it down to this simple phrase and keep going when things get tough. How do you find your #mondaymotivation?
Oh man. He must have really hated his girlfriend Amy Hopkinson’s posts. Seems like he’s really getting into this trolling business, and doing a pretty good job of it too – I’m also assuming that he’s making her take the photographs for him.
I suppose turnabout is fair play but when he’s rinsing everything she’s doing with her life is their 18 month relationship really going to last that much longer? Stay tuned to his Instagram as I’m sure we’ll hear about it on there if it doesn’t.
For more ripping into inspirational posts, check out these gym inspiration quotes fixed into memes about getting wasted. Perfect.