I was hanging out on the Sick Chirpse twitter and @kattycake just retweeted someone who was talking about how he was excited about a new reality show called FULL METAL JOUSTING I kinda had to put that in capitals because I mean, it’s just so tough it has to be written in capital letters right? Obviously I had to check this out immediately and man, it did not disappoint. It’s pretty much exactly what you would imagine it to be. Crazy ass American redneck fuckers (maybe you didn’t imagine that part, but I mean come on it had to be, right?) getting dressed up in what looks like Iron Man armour and just jousting the fuck out of each other.
It looks brutal and is definitely the kind of show that I would probably watch if I still had a TV. I can’t see myself getting into it online, especially as it’s already happened (started on Febraury 12th bro) and finished so I could probably rinse the whole thing in a day if I wanted to and you know that the best thing about these dumb reality shows is tuning in every week to see how those idiots are doing. Nah, I’m just gonna search for the best bits on YouTube and post them on Sick Chirpse so everyone can enjoy it. It’s gonna be screened on the History Channel which is kind of crazy too because I mean who thought the History Channel was going to be cool again after the Sopranos finished? Anyway, here we go:
This one is just a general one introducing the concept of the show and showing some horses going some crazy and some people getting absolutely fucking KO’ed off their horses. It also features some great lines like ‘It’s like riding through hell and coming out the other side,’ ‘Each joust is like a car crash’ and ‘The hit you’re gonna experience at that lance is like no experience you’ve ever had before in your life.’ You can say a lot of crap about the Americans but man, they know how to do soundbytes.
Here’s a cool little clip of a horse treading on one of the contestants (who’s name is Landon, obviously) feet so he punches the horse in the face and then gets shouted at by the instructor:
Here’s the contestants talking about what they think the first hit is gonna feel like. To a crunching metal soundtrack obviously.
Here’s a really cool video where they talk about how they’ve made the lances EVEN MORE POWERFUL than people use in actual jousting tournaments. Normally they’re hollowed out but in Full Metal Jousting they’re made of solid wood! This isn’t actually that cool – it would have been way cooler if the lances were made of steel or aluminium. These guys are pussies. Just kidding. heck out some of the hits in this video and you’ll realise they’re definitely NOT pussies. Imagine what that shit would look with metal lances though. Ouch.
This is probably my favourite video. It discusses the dangers of jousting and features some super sick hits and a stomping metal soundtrack.
Fuck it, I am INTO this shit. I’m gonna call my dealer and blaze through the whole series. See you in ten hours.