It’s something we’ve all wondered before but have we ever reached a conclusion? If you put together Australia’s most psychopathic convict, Mark ‘Chopper’ Read and England’s most notorious criminal Charles (Salvador) Bronson, which one of them is most likely to bash the other one into oblivion. Obviously I get that Chopper has passed now (RIP you absolute nutter) but this is a hypothetical question and one that we at Sick Chirpse feel it is our duty to explore.
So back to the battle. There’s no denying – they’re both a pair who you wouldn’t want to run into in a dark alleyway or even a street in the daylight for that matter. But question is, what would happen if they ran into each other? Would Chopper get out his bolt cutters and slowly remove each and every one of Bronson’s toes before he surrendered, or would Bronson cover himself in oil and slide out of Chopper’s mega grip before he had a chance to hold the slippery bugger down?
Both of these geezers have colourfully violent backgrounds, but their tactics are completely different. Let’s delve into their fighting abilities to answer the question – who would win in a fight? Chopper or Bronson?
1. Torture tactics
When it comes to violence, Chopper desensitised himself early on and from a young age was an accomplished street fighter. He started his criminal career by ripping off drug dealers and later moved onto torturing members of the criminal underworld. His method of choice was using a blowtorch to melt off the toes of his victims with all the nuance of a chef delicately toasting the top of a crème brulee.
Aside from this, Chopper was a weapon guy. Guns, knives, whatever rusty piece of metal he could get his hands on. And he wasn’t shy to bring someone’s life to an end – only issue with this fact is that Chopper was a notorious liar, which I guess you’d have to be with a background like that. No one really knows how many people he snuffed out, although it’s thought to be around 19.
Torture tactics level: 2/5
I know that Bronson changed his second name to Salvador a while back in homage to one of his fav artists Salvador Dali, but I’m going to stick with the original because it’s how we all know him.
Bronson was into all kinds of violent methods. He was obviously adept with his hands as he did love a good strangle and even brought child sex murderer John White to the death rattle before getting apprehended.
He also loved using bottles to stab people, was a talented bare-knuckle boxer and his best trick – he loved to keep people hostage, one of the most infamous cases being where he tied up and abused a prison art teacher with a makeshift spear and a skipping rope. As a result of his antics, Bronson has gained notoriety as an annoyingly difficult prisoner to handle. Gotta love that guy.
Torture tactic levels: 3/5
2. Psychopathy levels
Chopper might take the biscuit with this one – he was a properly sociopathic nutjob. Starting off the first five years of his life in a children’s home, he was certified as mentally insane three times when he was 15, 19 and 23 before being given 60 serves of electric shock treatment in six months. See what I mean? Proper wrong’un.
And Chopper proved his flimsy mental state in prison, when he had one of his inmates chop off his own ears just so that he could move to another ward of the prison. Like a locked up lunatic version of Van Gogh. This is a reenactment, obviously, and not the real thing, but I’d like to think that it’s pretty much exactly how the event played out in real life.
Psychopathy level: 5/5
It’s safe to say that Bronson has got several screws loose in that massive head of his. You only need to look at this odd get well soon card he sent to the Alton Towers victim, or the fact that he smothered himself in butter and took on 12 prison guards because Arsenal won the FA cup to know that his brain is straight up tweaked.
Bronson has been institutionalised, but at the same time, he has a lot more self-awareness than Chopper. As he put it himself:
I’d been certified mad because of my violence. I was still violent – and they were now certifying me sane. Where’s the sanity in that? Isn’t the system just as crazy?
Yeah, he does go on some mad rooftop protests and hunger strikes, but he’s also on the level, which you can see through his various artistic outputs such as his paintings, drawings and poetry. This guy ain’t someone you’d want on your bad side, but when he’s on your good, I reckon he’s a top choice for a bevvie down the pub.
Psychopathy levels: 3/5
3. Personal strength
You only need to look at Chopper to see that he’s built like a brick shit house. I bet he ate kittens and nails for breakfast to get a physique like that. He was a proper beefy bastard.
However, Chopper’s strength behind bars was boosted hard by his crew ‘The Overcoat Gang’. The name came from the fact that they all wore long coats to hide their weapons. In the late 70s Chopper started a prison war, but was later attacked and stabbed by his own crew after they felt his plan to overthrow everyone else in the prison was a step too far. So yeah, it’s safe to say that Chopper liked his weaponry (guns and knives) and he wasn’t so strong as a single player to come out on top during a group attack. He could take an ear-cutting, but he couldn’t, say, cover himself in butter and then punch his way out of a crowd (more on that later).
Personal strength levels: 3/5
So while Chopper was a bit of a gang up/weapon man, Bronson was a straight up lone ranger. He has spent a majority of his prison time in solitary confinement and has proved his strength during this time, even bending actual metal cell doors with his bare hands.
As well as holding SIX world records for his strength and fitness, he has become an entrepreneur in this field by creating a bespoke prison workout where he advocates using your own strength and natural resources rather than, “waste money on gym fees, protein drinks or muggy steroids.” His own power knows no bounds and he claims he can now to 172 push-ups in 60 seconds. This man is an absolute unit who can take on entire groups of trained prison guards. If it were him attacked by his own gang in the showers, he would’ve have smashed their heads into oblivion then go and chow down on his favourite egg whites and a slice of malt loaf.
Personal strength levels: 5/5
Chopper total: 10/15
Bronson total: 11/15
This was a close one, but as you can see, Bronson won by the skin of his teeth. At first glance, you might conclude that Chopper would be a clear winner because, as opposed to Bronson, he had murdered his fair share of motherfuckers in his time.
But if it came down to it, and you put these two madcaps in a room together, no weapons or anything like that, Bronson would fight his way out no problem. His personal strength surpasses all of Chopper’s sadistic tendencies. He’d probably then go and write a beautiful poem about it and indulge in several thousand sit-ups. Never stop being you Bronson.
If you’d like to see more on Bronson’s art, click HERE.