1. Tongue-Eating Parasite
This one goes out to the pour souls who were previously dating incessant whiners, non-stop chatterboxes who never listen and those who just had to give their unpopular opinion on absolutely everything. Think how much easier the whole experience would’ve been if you were actually able to get a word in edgeways, although that would never have happened whilst they still maintained the ability to speak.
Recently an unfortunate lady from Nottingham discovered a tongue-eating parasite in her tin of tuna which had the whole internet either scared to open their food cans or rummaging in their kitchen cupboards to find cute new minuscule pets. Consider finding yourself a flesh-devouring pest and slipping it in the blabbermouth’s tuna and sweetcorn bap, if you’re feeling particularly malicious perhaps you could go the full measure and make the entire sandwich from scratch therefore ensuring that the little critter will have a cosy home before it carries out your evil bidding. Most people can’t resist free food, especially if it’s suspiciously presented at their doorstep upon a heart-emblazoned paper plate to commemorate Valentine’s Day.
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If you really want a really good gift guide though, check out the Dad’s Choice Awards.