LIFE

6 Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Wind Up Your Ex

Remind someone that you still exist with a shitty Valentines present.

For those of us who weirdly revel in watching singletons and serial complainers take the time out of their busy selfie schedules to whine about how the holidays are all about capitalism in one post and then a few hours later upload a lovely photo of them wearing a new beanie in another, Valentine’s Day is one of the greatest holidays of the entire year. There’s something oddly satisfying about knowing that somebody is getting wound up over the 14th of February either because they’re jealous over their severe lack of gifts, doomed to be forever alone or making edgy statements to prove a point. It’s not like there’s anything worthwhile to complain about in 2015 as we’re all financially stable, immortal and world peace was achieved forever ago.

Someone who used to enjoy this holiday back when you knew them but now bitterly joins the bore-brigade is your ever tiresome ex. Obviously they thought Valentine’s was brilliant back in the day when you were accompanying them to an overpriced dinner or buying them shit they didn’t particularly want or need, but according to their most recent Facebook status they have evidently soured over time and has become your most recent. Perhaps now would be a good time to remind them what they’re missing out on and further winding them up with an ill thought out gift. If you’re lucky you might get a special social media mention and a block, bonus points if you get a full delete and a restraining order will grant you godlike status.

Note: Sick Chirpse and the Author take no responsibility in any hurt feelings, arguments or court proceedings following the reading of this list. 

6. Chocolate Anus

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Have you ever been halfway through a rim-job, badly wishing that the brown stuff coming out their backside was chocolate? Err, yeah… us either but we just couldn’t think of a way to introduce these chocolate anus boxes because they’re so utterly ridiculous. According to the edibleanus.com website you can bulk buy these bad boys in quantities of ten yet we’re not entirely sure why you’d buy these for anyone other than an ex and that’d only be to remind them of how much of an ass they are. Unless they genuinely taste delicious, in which case sign us up for as many boxes of Belgian buttholes as possible.

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