That payday I pissed my wages up the wall faster than the speed of light safely in the knowledge I didn’t have to buy any food for at least another month. My plan was fool proof, why on earth should I even consider having a backup plan of food on standby in case anything goes wrong?
Well shit did go wrong. First off the order didn’t come for 2 weeks; that was a bit tricky as I had drank my entire pay packet.
Luckily enough for me, I had donated my pussy cats to be ‘Cat Models’ for some silly free view campaign that led to me getting my eyeballs scratched out of my head, that’s another story though, but also lead to me getting a shit load of Waitrose vouchers… HALLELUJAH, I live to see another day.
So anyways… 2 weeks on and my new life plan finally arrives in the post. Ace. Emptying my drawers at work of any last bits of edible goodies, I was prepared out of my fucking mind box never to eat again.
In the kitchen at work I took out a pink glass, tossed in two heaped spoonfuls of the boot-campy goodness and filled the glass to the top with icy aqua minerals. As I frantically stirred, I was already aware after reading the packet that the powder shit wouldn’t dissolve so as soon as I had finished whisking I basically just had to neck it.
The more I stirred the more my enthusiasm dwindled, the stench of frog spawn and arse hole filled my nostrils and the smile rapidly disappeared from my boat race.
Standing there staring blankly at this pint of hell, I really wished I had conjured up a plan B.
I took my death pint back into the office to show my co worker who I could tell was getting pretty excited to see me neck this shit. Evil bitch. I tilted the glass towards my face, the whole mass inside the glass started to move.