What? Wait? What the fuck is this?

It’s like a solid mass of afterbirth was heading towards my face like a scene from The Blob.

Fuck this shit. I ran to the toilets. If I was going to do this I couldn’t have an audience. The faces I was expecting myself to pull were in NO way fit for other humans to witness.

THINK THIN LILLI B

I chanted this mantra through my brain box as I opened wide and swallowed… Once ….. Twice…… BARF. No way, this shit came flying out my mouth so much faster than it went in. Heaving my face off into the sink, I shook the glass with some serious force to empty the remains down the plug whole.

What was this stuff? And who the fuck could ever actually stomach this? Of course it stops you eating real food, who the fuck wants to eat a dutty kebab when you feel like you have just rimmed a U-Bend? Allow this mate, not for me … no way jose.

My plan A was now scuppered royally, I had NO plan B either.

But I have devised plan C, and it’s a good one actually. I will now live on coffee…… That’s it, that’s the plan. Fuck this meal replacement shit, POWER MEALS are no good, organic is no good, what you need is so many additives, sugars and added fucking aceness that it’s just not worth it.

Bootcamp In A Bottle should really reassess their branding to either HELL or Arse Hole.

Anything other than that is just false advertising.