Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #239

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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ilovefatchicks

When I was 14, I used to heat up vaseline in the microwave, stick it inside a plastic bag and then wank with it. In a way I think I invented the fleshlight.

Flop.

One month before I graduated university, I had the opportunity to hook up with my teacher (after 3 years of weird chemistry), so I went for it and crumbled under pressure and couldn’t get it up. Still haunts me all these years later.

buff daddy

I’m rarely satisfied with the porn I watch. Always feel like I could have found a better one if I just put in a little more time and effort

emilio

I’m so starved of human interaction that I’ve been playing 90s rap music really loudly to try get my neighbour to come and start a fight. So far no dice.

jann

The girl I’m seeing is on birth control and I frequently cum inside her especially when we’re drunk. I told my mate and he freaked out at how irresponsible I was being. I looked it up and birth control is apparently 99% effective. Is it just me or is that nothing to worry about? He’s got me feeling paranoid over nothing

philifil

I don’t consider myself a racist but always find myself wanting the white contestants to win in game shows

Entitty

I was once so drunk and high that I stood in the middle of the road whacking passing cars with my belt and screaming like a madman. A police car rolled up in front of me with some force and the cop swung his head out of the window and yelled ‘OI, FUCK OFF’. I went on my merry way and always thought that was pretty cool of the police man to do that instead of arrest me.

Bumder32

The other night I was giving my wife the ol ‘two in he pink, one in the stink’ action,and I’m almost certain I was pushing a giant turd back up the whole time.
Ruined it for me to be honest…..

Breakdownspunk

I work for a breakdown company and sometimes jack off in the van on my lunch breaks

alex

I had my first threesome last week. The girl was really hot, but the guy was a bit weird. There was no bi stuff, but it was weird trying to fuck her with him there. Dude kept messing up my rhythm. She hit me up and wants to do it again, but I think i’ll just stick to wanking until I get a single chick.

Baldodetodos

My dad used to tell me that my mum had died as a way of getting me out of bed for school in the mornings

poolboy7

I haven’t brought a girl home in years. I wonder if my family thinks I’m gay or if they know I’m just a borderline alcoholic loser who can’t talk to girls for shit

1994 space odyssey

When people walk absurdly slow in front of me, I purposely walk in front of them to fart. I proceed to slow my pace down, in order to match theirs, so the fart lingers in their general proximity with max stinkage