The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from last week:

ChasingAmy

I’m hopelessly in love with a lesbian and despite trying to get over it I can’t.

 

SinglePringle

Broke up with my girlfriend (of 6 years) at the start of this year, she proper fucked me over and literally locked my self in my room for two weeks solid. 7 months on and I can honestly say I’ve had the best 7 months of my life just getting absolutely mangled. Moral of the story is if you’re in some dead end relationship get out of it while you can because I wish I had earlier. Things do get better, much better.

macciesman

I broke the pocket zipper of my rain jacket when I was drunk because a Big Mac was trapped in there.

Bash ketchum

Watched the pokemon porn parody as a joke, ended up jerkin it 3 times.

captain ahab

Ducked a 40 year old whale from the club last weekend to break my 4 month dry spell, no regrets (I’m 19).

redgetheledge

Got into an argument with the girlfriend the other day. Instead of carrying on the fight, I backed her into a corner and unleashed a 10 second long diarrhea fart right in her face. She was absolutely stunned.

NYAHWB24

I was drinking at a buddy’s house a few months ago, and in the middle of the night I got up to pee.( I was black out at this time) I started to piss in the corner of his room. When I realised what I was doing I stopped for a second and then said fuck it and finished pissing. He doesn’t know about it but he is wondering why his room smells like pee.

Pookie

Through a combination of post uni reality check and pure weed infused laziness I haven’t had sex in nearly two years. Been lurking around the craigslist casual encounters alot recently and now I think i’m ready to dive in. Watch this space…

GDOG

I ate a whole tub of hummus on its own in like 5 minutes.

epicchazza

There’s this fit new girl working in our office which is great except my boss sat her right near the toilets. This has completely fucked up my half hour long office shits schedule. I now shit in Burger King down the street.

Abood707

I always give my dick a little shake when I step out of the shower in the gym.

moz321

When I was 15 some chav muttered ‘pussy’ole’ as he walked past me and I was too much of a pussy to respond. Still hurts 12 years later.

BBG

I hate the smell of girls’ arseholes because it’s obviously disgusting, but whenever I’m in the vicinity of one I can’t help but take a whiff.

zibran_ch

Whenever I kill an insect in my house I leave its remains laying around for a few days as a warning to all the other insects.

chipperdan

Some tramp begged me for 50p outside Rayners Lane tube station today. Said no.

pdubz

I opened up my mate’s laptop earlier today and there was a porn tab open… his girlfriend was the last to use it. Think he’s got himself a good un.

mcleod

This older lady (about 50) at my gym chatted me up the other day. She has massive tits. She asked for my Facebook and I gave it to her. Have to admit I’ve wanked off to her already. Not sure what my next move is…

Is It Just Me

Whenever I start watching a porn from the beginning, I never seem to make it to the part where they actually start having sex.

RT&MK

Me and my wife lie about how we met because the truth is we met at a dinghy bar where she threw up on my shoe and then promised to give me a BJ to make up for it. 7 years later still going strong.

thegoon

Jamie Vardy blocked me on Twitter because I wouldn’t stop harassing him about Arsenal.

shrugemoji

I’ve given out my number on the receipt to waitresses/bar girls literally about 200 times in my life. As you might expect, I haven’t been very successful. Last weekend one finally messaged me and I’m meeting her for drinks on Friday. Call me pathetic if you want, but 1/200 is better than 0/0. Have a good week everyone.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.