The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I thought I was really handsome until I got Tinder and only matched with 5s and 6s. Quite the eye opener.
I was bullied relentlessly throughout my school days for being camp/feminine. Little did they know that I found myself sexually aroused by their attacks and torments.
I’m still in the closet.
When I first started wanking I didn’t know what cum was so I would just jizz on the floor of my parents’ house and let it dry up wherever I left it. They thought it was the dog.
I’m 29 years old and still dream of becoming a famous footballer one day.
I was looking forward to a week of having a free house to blaze up in and play Xbox all week then that bastard pilot crashed his plane and my parents freaked out and cancelled their tickets to Berlin. It’s actually so fucked up that I’m more furious at the pilot for that than killing 150 people.
I got angry with my girlfriend last week and unliked a bunch of her Facebooks photos. That showed her (not).
When Spain won Euro 2008 there was a mad street party where I live in London and one road got closed off because there was so many of us out celebrating. Anyway I got so drunk that I climbed on a bus with an England flag I found and tried to set fire to it (I have no idea what I was thinking I love England and have lived here all my life) and I nearly sparked a full scale riot. Luckily my mates stopped me and assured the English blokes looking to kill me that I was mentally ill which I suppose I am.
I have moustache hair I can feel with my tongue. I am a girl.
I was running up the stairs at my girlfriend’s house and smashed my toe against the stairs, screaming in pain and taking far too long to fully recover. Her dad now thinks I’m the biggest pussy on Earth and don’t know what manly act I’m going to have to commit to make it up to him
Once felt very ill at work and boss insisted I go home. Got on tube and began to feel worse. I started puking at the end of the carriage while everyone else moved away from me thinking I was some drunk loser in a business suit. No one checked I was OK because I was so spaced out/puking everywhere that I’m sure they thought I was one of these mad drunk homeless guys who dresses up like they’re going to an office job and carries a briefcase around every day. Never been so happy to get home in my life.
I haven’t had sex for over a year, owing to the fact my last relationship scarred me mentally. To fill the void I have been getting stoned/wankered/coked off my face almost weekly for the past 18 months.
Reading the confession from a few weeks ago about how standing up when wiping in the toilet was weird has changed my life.
Why am I so weird.
I got so drunk at a mates house party that I locked my self in the bathroom, had this huge chat with my self about how nervous I was to lose my virginity. I then decided to put about 5 tooth brushes into my vagina to see how much it hurt (it didnt).I then passed out for god knows how long and woke up to everyone banging on the door (thank fuck they didn’t get in). I got up put the toothbrushes back and carried on as normal. The next morning her dad came home and cleaned his teeth. Cringe.
Used to piss into a juice bottle because I couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed… got parched one night and mistakenly took a swig whereupon I vommed all over the pillows. I use the toilet now.
I get genuine anxiety when I sit down on the toilet without my phone.
After hearing how brilliant Stephen Kings IT was, I finally got chance to watch it on sky 1 when I was about 13. Not wanting to miss a tiny portion of the film I put some toilet paper on the landing, turned the telly towards me and shat right then and there while pissing into a pint glass.
I keep making up confessions and sending them in and you guys still haven’t posted a single one either because a) they’re not as funny as I think or b) you can tell I’m full of shit.
i take showers while at work because i like the feeling that i get paid for taking a shower.
Hooked up with probably the fittest girl I have ever been with in my life not too long ago, and during the session (which wasn’t very long) she asked me to stick my finger in her arse which I did (a first for me). Overall the whole thing went really well and I was still smiling when she left my room… then I made the instinctual mistake of smelling my finger and nearly puked on the spot. Seeing her again tonight anyway.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.