Everyone remembers their first time and for the vast majority of us it probably wasn’t particularly good, but spare a thought for Prince Harry losing his virginity in a field with an older woman at the age of 17.

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Prince Harry’s new autobiography is coming out next week and as such we’re being treated to a glutton of revelations in the build up to it. This latest one about Prince Harry bumping uglies for the first time goes a little something like this:

One of my bodyguards Marko arrived at Eton, telling me that he had been sent to find the truth.

I suspected he was referring to my recent loss of virginity, a humiliating episode with an older woman who liked macho horses and who treated me like a young stallion.

I mounted her quickly, after which she spanked my ass and sent me away.

One of my many mistakes was letting it happen in a field, just behind a very busy pub. No doubt someone had seen us.

Geez. Is that really something we need to hear? I guess he’s releasing an autobiography and you need to include all the juicy details, but the way he tells that story makes him sound like way more of a melt than everyone else in the world already imagines him to be.

In fact, I can’t actually see him releasing this autobiography being a good idea whatsoever. Even if you think Harry and Meghan are justified for stepping back from their royal duties, the fact that they’re still seemingly desperate for attention with their Netflix series and now this book just makes them more and more annoying and unlikeable. If you really want to be left alone just go live in the middle of Idaho or something and don’t engage with the media at all, it’s not that difficult.

Anyway, can’t wait to hear all the other dumb stories from this book when it comes out next week. Already coming up with some classics like Prince Harry saying that it was Prince William’s fault that he wore a Nazi costume. Come on now.