CHIRPSES

OKCupid or OKStupid?

Ro Elfberg dives into the world of online dating and finds a treasure chest of creeps waiting for her.

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no lol

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63% match. Get in.

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So that’s where you put your cock in the USB port yeah?

These are the creepy, overtly sexual, corny and downright vomit inducing messages I had to contend with but instead of swearing off men and finally pursuing a love affair with the animal of my dreams, Sonic the Hedgehog, I decided that as a modern-day woman partaking in modern-day dating, I should peruse the men, find some I like and message them. However, as those who know me well will know, it’s very easy for one tiny thing to put me off someone, and there was something on everyone’s profile which made me feel sick and meant I couldn’t message them. But then obviously I did message some people, as otherwise I would be ‘someone who doesn’t give things a go’, and I am anything but ‘someone who doesn’t give things a go.’ So I messaged a small selection of people, some messaged back, a few had funny things to say, one of them wanted to arrange a drink at The Book Club in Shoreditch, I’d rather die. I gave another my number after a bit and he proceeded to become a keen, obsessive freak in the space of 24 hours, sending message after message in a row, even when I wasn’t replying and also liked a 3 month old picture of me on Facebook and sent me a thrilling Snapchat of his housemate doing the washing up. I have since deleted him from all these places.

Back to the drawing board once again and I decided to have a look at my matches in order of my ULTIMATE match down to my ‘don’t ever talk to this person because you will slit their throat open immediately through sheer hatred’ match. My 97% and highest match, was a 30 year old bisexual fire-breather whose username was Vulcanus. Perfect. Exactly what I’ve always dreamed of since I was a little girl. Your algorithms have surpassed themselves OKCupid. Smashed it. Why bother ever looking for another man, this guy is the one for me. However on the off-chance that he wasn’t quite right for me in some small way, I checked out my next highest match.. it’s only the one boy I ever went on a date with from Tinder! He was a nice chap but what are the odds of that ey? He found it pretty funny too and said he hoped me and Vulcanus would have a long and happy life together, so maybe he too sees that the fire-breather and I are meant to be. The whole thing has, by now, become very tiresome and dull, but as with anything that parades humans in front of me, it also, temporarily became slightly addictive.

VULCANUS

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