CHIRPSES

OKCupid or OKStupid?

Ro Elfberg dives into the world of online dating and finds a treasure chest of creeps waiting for her.

However, after 25 questions I got into the swing of things and felt like I was taking one of those Myers Briggs personality tests after just having been admitted to a mental asylum, apart from the fact these questions were asking me whether the race of my future baby needs to be the same exact race as mine or not, and a question about gloves. More specifically, ‘if you turn a left-handed glove inside out, which hand will it fit on?’ I, being someone who knows how to use the internet, immediately Googled this and found a great demonstration video that showed me the answer. I’m not going to disclose the answer to you because I think it’s quite fucking difficult actually. Although the internet reassured me that women apparently have very poor spatial awareness in comparison with men.. which is why you should never ask them to navigate, said someone on Yahoo answers who I want to batter round the face with a TomTom. 100 questions down, I realised I’d wasted nearly an hour on something that I didn’t actually give a fuck about, panicked for a moment that I might actually give a fuck about it and had a cigarette. But low and behold, I wasn’t finished yet; profile information filling time. I kept my self-summary short and sweet, literally. ‘I like a good biscuit’. I thought this would do for now, then added in bits about TV shows and books and other things that I like but chose to omit the fact I also like sitting in the gutter ramming chunks of fried chicken flesh down my throat after a night out, and that banging to the US Office sound-track on repeat is in my top five sexual to-do list.

Once the ultimate profile had been completed, I decided that 6am was probably a reasonable time to go to sleep, and when I woke up, an equally reasonable 11 hours later, I had received 45 messages. Now I know what you are thinking, I am either lying, unbelievably hot, or this whole thing is a numbers game. I’m going to go with a cocky mixture of options 2 and 3. I genuinely believe that a lot of people on there probably just message hundreds of girls the same thing in a desperate copy and paste bid for pussy and hope that some reply, maybe spreading your net far and wide is the only path to success. However 70% of the messages I received during those first 11 hours made some kind of biscuit question/attempted joke/comment. Now I do genuinely like a good biscuit, but I’m not CRAZY about biscuits and I certainly don’t want to read X amount (I can’t work out 70% of 45 right now) of messages about them. The other 10% were vapid one liners “bla bla drink tonight bla bla I am a desperate man” and the rest were your usual blend of invites to have your world rocked by their monster cocks. Please enjoy this small interlude in my writing to grab a pot of ice cream and look at this selection of messages I have screen-shotted for your pleasure. Unlike my Tinder post I have decided not to make fun of people’s actual profile pictures because I am a nicer person than I was then, so get your laughs from these pictures, as there will be no more.

OKCupid_Screen_Grab1

I am so so curious

OKCupid_Screen_Grab2

Yes definitely 45 year old Mike from Peterborough, I can’t think of any reason why not.

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