When I’m not busy using every waking breath to curse either my existence or that of my enemies, there’s nothing I like more than to unwind with video games. Sometimes I like shooting someone in the face (and laughing manically at the TV while doing so), where on other occasions I might enjoy flinging cartoon birds at collapsible structures which then crumble like Justin Biber’s sanity.
Hooray for video games!
Or at least, hooray for most of them, because some are not very nice. At all. And I’m not talking about the kind of faux-controversy that The Daily Mail likes to stir up over Call Of Duty and the like, I’m taking about video games so repellent and nasty that the mere presence of them in your house will curdle the milk in your cereal and make small children cry.
Here then, is the Sick Chirpse guide to the four worst examples of video games so offensive that they make Grand Theft Auto look like Super Mario Kart.
You have been warned.
Custer’s Revenge, Atari 2600, 1982
Proving that you don’t need sophisticated graphics and sound to do a thorough job of shitting all over human decency in the digital medium, Custer’s Revenge was a reprehensible little effort which was vomited into life in the early 1980s.
The game involved controlling the titular Custer and guiding him and his enormous erection through America’s Wild West.
When we say ‘guiding’ what we actually mean is ‘avoiding the falling arrows and making it to the other side of the screen before having sex with a native American woman tied to a tree’. Tied to a tree. Sheer class.