Juicing has been around for ages now. We’ve all seen ‘Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead’ and thought, “this year… this year will be the year I shed that 5kg of Christmas backflab by drinking pulverised carrot and beetroot juice.”
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So you get all the gear, order £200 worth of apples from Abel & Cole and the super stainless steel, cold-press vegetable juice extractor. You might even consider making juice cleansing a regular thing right? Like, if you partake in several weeks of suffering each year, then surely your nutrient-rich body is going to keep chugging along well into your 90s… right?
Yeah, we’ve all had thoughts like that. But if any of you have actually tried the endurance test that is juicing, you will know that it is the fucking worst. We’re not plants – we’re people. We need solid food. Not only does your body hate you for feeding it nothing but sugar and algae dust, but it actually takes over your thinking power. You start pulling aside people in the office – you can see the strained boredom in Bob’s eyes when you talk to him about how invigorating it feels to starve yourself. You become “that person”. People avoid eye contact with you in the kitchen lest you start harping on the benefits of ultra-condensed noni juice. You’ve become a cunt.
Yes in theory, juicing seems like a get-thin-and-healthy-quick simple solution but in reality, you just wind up skint, smelly and incredibly annoying. Juicing is for suckers and here’s why.
You’re still going to be a fat fucker
As painful as the first few days of juicing might be, once you make it past the slow start, you begin to feel thin. Your trousers might feel a little less snug or at least the weekend bloat is deflating. Spurred on by this, you carry on in the hope that by the end of your cleanse you’re going to be as skinny as a crack addict.
The reality of this is, you’re basically starving yourself. And weight loss via starvation means you will loose muscle mass and in turn reduce your metabolic weight. So if you’re already one of those people who was constantly reassured as a child that you’re just “big boned” then fuck me, you’re going to be a whale carcass once that cleanse is over and you convert back to cheeseburgers. And trust me, you will convert back to cheeseburgers after spending a week chugging down on peppermint tea and avocado slurry.
Also juicing removes fat which your body actually needs to absorb many of the vitamins that are in the juice. So all those ‘cancer fighting flavanoids’ are getting pissed down the drain, literally.
All in all, starving yourself for a couple of weeks is not a sustainable way of losing weight. You might shed a couple of kilos temporarily, and yes, you might even get a few decent Instagram photos out of it. But as soon as you get back on the solids you’ll get fatter and more miserable than ever.
Your bowels will be as empty as your pockets
You’ve probably already thought about this aspect but yeah, your toilet habits are going to be fucked. No solids in, no solids out I’m afraid. Remember that holiday in India where you spent the first few days sweating on the loo seat? Well imagine that for an entire week.
Not to mention the incessant pissing. Seriously, those eleven litres of liquid you’re chugging each day cause your toilet break percentage to increase ten-fold. You’ll start to get funny looks at work. Linda the receptionist might even start a rumour that you’ve got some sort of condition.
And while you spend the whole week emptying your insides, the nature of the cleanse will get to work emptying your bank account. Do you know how fucking expensive all that fresh produce is? One cup of juice takes around four apples, half a pineapple, an avocado, a lemon, a couple of carrots and a cup of beetroot. And you’ll be drinking about eight of these fuckers everyday. Then on top of that 20 quid bags of wheatgrass or wheatgerm or whatever the hell other green magic dust you need to ensure that you’re getting all them delicious nutrients into your ravaged gut.
Juicing is expensive. Just eat the fruit instead, dude. You won’t even need half as much and your bowels will rejoice.
And all them other motherfucking celebrities who endorse juicing and write about it on their parenting blogs. Seriously, these people are sub-human. They’re either not real or very good at lying.
During the later stages of your juice cleanse, the part where the crippling hunger has subsided a bit and you begin a stage of superior delirium, you might start understanding these people. Your normal level of thinking has been replaced with this exaggerated, reinvigorated positivity. You’ll relate to Gwyneth Paltrow’s inspirational life quotes:
When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat.
I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.
I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you.
We basically can’t live without Vegenaise—it’s a little out of control.
I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.
As soon as you start reading these without a sense of disdain, you know the juicing has got to your brain.
You will become an alcoholic
When you spend all day on liquids, you start to feel pretty fucking down. So what do you do at the end of a long, shitty day? You grab a glass of wine. You think, “fuck it, wine is a sort of grape juice, right?”
One glass is all it takes. Your stomach has been emptied of any nutrient so it sucks up that alcohol like a greedy sponge. After one glass, you will be pissed. You’ve done it – you’ve found your vice. Before you know it, you’re huffing a bottle every night because it’s the only pleasure you’ve got left. Food left you for another person, alcohol is the rebound. But once solids make an appearance back into your life, that boozy habit is hard to shake off. Now you’re back onto the buttery bread you need more wine to get you buzzed and BOOM, you’re an alky.
You get the idea – juicing sucks ass. So what’s the answer? If you really can’t be arsed to eat mounds of vegetables every day and the thought of having to actually put effort into losing weight makes you sad, just get a fucking blender. Problem solved. Just make sure it doesn’t explode in your face and disfigure you because that would suck more than being fat. Why don’t you look at some of the finest glass bender reviews to get an idea about the sturdiest glass containers?