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20 Tips To Guarantee That Your Job Interview Is A Memorable One

20 foolproof tips to guarantee that your job interview will catch the attention of any potential employer. Use with caution.

Everybody hates job interviews. They’re about as fun as unintentional back alley kidney donations. It’s always the same: sitting down in a room full of strangers, lying to them about how keen you are to work for their company, reciting pertinent bible scripture, loudly channeling the holy spirit and being asked to leave because you’re causing a scene. Job interviews are shit.

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I’ve actually just got back from one myself. I’m quietly confident that my Asda George suit clinched it for me – #PolyesterSwag. If you’ve never been to an interview, here’s a useful tip: it’s always good to dress in a cheap polyester suit. As well as looking sharp this also gives you the added bonus that if you go anywhere near a naked flame you will set on fire, providing you with the perfect excuse to leave early if you start to struggle with their questions.

That’s not really a useful tip. But if you are in the market for some interview advice, we’ve got the perfect thing for you. My girlfriend got sent these tips in an email the other day and forwarded them to me, I have no idea who the original author is but they are fucking amazing. I actually wanted to get the job I was going for so I didn’t use any of them at my interview. Which is a shame. But if any of you decide to use them please let us know how it goes. Here you go:

– When asked what your weaknesses are, say Ryan Gosling. It’ll break the ice. Then say ‘persistent lateness’ or something.

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– Bring a box to the interview, point at it and say “I do all my thinking outside of that.” Then open some champagne.

– When asked if you want anything to drink, say “Just a glass of job please!” Then laugh for 15 minutes. No less.

– When shown to the interview room, walk further up the corridor & say “I always go the extra mile!” Then click your heels.

– Show you give 110% by pouring 10% too much water into your glass. Smile knowingly.

– Wear a sock puppet on one hand, make it whisper in your ear and say “What’s that, Mr Wuzzles? I seem ideal for the job?”

– Loosen your tie as you enter & say “Phew! Is it me or did it get 100% more dynamic in here?” Then reverse high five them.

– Tell them you won’t need a lunch hour because you’re powered by results. Then make a powerboat noise for about 8 minutes.

– Unbutton your shirt to reveal a Superman ‘S’ & say “Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s increased productivity!”

– Dress as an American footballer to show you’re a team player. And have ‘Sustained Growth’ written on your football.

American Football

– Say “I hope to become part of the furniture here.” Then crouch into a ball pretending to be a pouffe & never move again.

– When asked if YOU have a question, reply “Where do you see YOURSELF in 5 years’ time, nosey?” Laugh. Pass around some mints.

– When asked where you see yourself in 5 years, say “owner of a B&B for cats” and tap your nose like you know the market.

– Give your interviewer a hollow pork pie. Then lean back and say “That’s your company – I’m your pork.”

– Hire a billboard across the road from the interview room that shows you wrestling a bear. Point to it occasionally.

– If they extend their hand for you to shake, enclose it in your hands and say “Look! A hand-sandwich! I need this job.”

– Know the interviewer’s name and use it during the interview. If you’re not sure what it is, call them “Jobsy” or “Jobbo”.

– When asked where you see yourself in five years’ time, make your gas-filled chair rise above them and say “Here, Dawg.”

– Tattoo your limitations down one arm. Interviewers admire honesty.

– As you walk to the interview room with the interviewer, try to make small talk such as “You look like my real father.”

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