We’ve all had those awkward moments, trying to hold in a fart in front of your new girlfriend. Stomach rumbling, cheeks clenched, going to the toilet, not even for a wee, just for a massive fart to relieve yourself. But it can’t go on like that forever, especially if there’s no dog around to pass the blame onto, so at what point does it become acceptable to fart in front of your other half? And also, are people really that arsed about somebody doing it in front of them?

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little while now, and I faced this dilemma for some time. I’m not really much of a shy type, and the idea of farting in front of her didn’t bother me at all. I wouldn’t get embarrassed – I just didn’t want her to be horrified. I managed to time it perfectly, though. I let out my first rasper in front of her… The day she first told me that she loved me. I’d got her, she couldn’t dump me for that at that point, could she?

I went on Facebook and posted a status asking people:

When is it acceptable to fart in front of your other half? Have you got any funny or embarrassing stories? Do you feel a particular way, like would you be horrified if your missus did it?

I’ll keep the names anonymous, but I will mark each answer with an M or F to indicate the gender of who said it.

Here’s a handful of responses, which as you can see, are varied:

F – He farted in front of me about an hour and a half into meeting me. I’ve now been with him about 18 months. We tend to warn each other before it happens, we laugh at each other and ourselves A LOT!

F – Never. Been married 10 years. Although I’ve heard Stew do it in another room and he blamed it on frogs.

M – I still go to the toilet for a fart, or cough very loudly in another room when doing said fart… Also women shouldn’t fart – never lose that mystique!

M – Fart straight away. Start as you mean to go on.

F – No holds parped!

M – It’s something you have to ease your other half in to. And when you do it’s got too be the biggest and loudest one possible, laugh it off. Eventually they will too see the light.

F – Fart from the start! No point holding back its gonna happen eventually anyway!

M – Always, loudly, in new ways and very competitively.

M – Farted dead loud on my second date with the missus. Married 3 years (as you know you were one of my ushers) and have a daughter together. Flatulence makes the heart grow fonder.

M – The ironic thing is about her reluctance to share her pooing/farting habits is she works in the endoscopy department.

As you can see, there’s some mixed responses there. Some girls don’t mind and do it themselves, some never have. Some guys art tactful about it, others just get it all out there from the off.

A couple of people told me fart-related stories, which as a sophisticated, mature, grown up adult, I found dead funny.

F – I never farted in front of him. Well once and he made such a fuss of it, I didn’t want to embarrass myself in such a way again… That was until I had our daughter. During labour I must have Shit myself a good 3 times. It couldn’t be discreet or anything like that. No, no, no… Each time it effing stunk… Needless to say, after that having a little fart was nothing. At least I didn’t think so… We’re not together now.

F – Personally we think farts are hysterical. Everyone in this house laughs if someone else farts. The other night, the dog farted so badly my husband was actually sick, and I nearly weed myself laughing.

F – After James proposed to me in Tenerife on the beach we walked along I did a massive fart and everybody turned around and looked at me, and I said “JAMES!” really loud. Now we always remember ‘the time’ I farted when he proposed haha!

My personal favourite:

M – I once took a lass to Bella Italia for a first date. Everything was going great but my stomach was playing up, I’d had a dodgy dixy chicken the night before. Halfway through the meal I got a proper bad stomach cramp, and I felt my arse falling out. I quickly stood up and “I’ll be back in a minute just going to the restroom”. I tried to get passed her but a waiter was serving drinks to the next table. I was gonna shit so I tried to squeeze between the waiter and her chair, I put my dick to his arse and my arse to her face – rookie mistake! I let one rip right into her nostrils, nearly took her eyebrows off. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life but to style it out I made out like I’d done it on purpose, started wafting more of it towards her. When I got back from the toilet she’d gone. So definitely not on the first date.

So there we go. Absolutely none the wiser as to when you should or shouldn’t fart in front of your other half, or when it’s acceptable.

It’s a trumpy minefield. There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s all based on your situation, and your partner. So just time it right, and don’t make it weird, like this Saudi Prince. Don’t do it loudly in a restaurant on a first date, and waft it in her face, either.

The main thing to remember, is that life is gross. In a relationship, stuff will happen that if it occurred on the first date you’d go home and put your head in the oven. But a bit further down the line, you pass the point of giving a shit. In the grand scheme of things, at least farts can be funny, and you can’t pretend to cough to cover it forever.