Given the size and political and economic influence of the USA, you would think it would be the home of some of the best inventions and genius minds to shape the 21st century. Forgetting Steve Jobs for just one minute, America is also behind some of the most incomprehensible shit the world has ever seen. It is impossible to list them all, so think of this mixed selection as some of the things George Bush Jr would be most proud of. America, fuck yeah!
Bacon Soda, Chicken Fried Steak and Spray Cheese
And I thought I’d never again have to hear the phrase ‘Like a refreshing liquid pork god sent down directly into your mouth’ now I’ve paid my way through university.
Bacon Soda is unfortunately exactly as it sounds and is even part of a range of bacon products including lip balm, gravy and popcorn just in case you were wondering how America became a wobbling ball of Diabetes. Anyway, I hear the soda washes down the ‘pancake wrapped sausage’ real nice, but if that doesn’t get you off why not try the deliciously named Alaskan ‘Stinkheads’.
Would you like fries with those?
Miley Cyrus and the Disney Dipshits
It takes a lot of energy and brainpower working out what exactly Miley Cyrus is for/does, so a simple guess is that she is a hooker. But its okay, she’s gone and given herself a mo-hawk now which makes her super edgy, but she likes to re-tweet the Dalai Lama too which means she’s also proper deep. These are obviously attributes that attracted Borgore who has featured her on a track about how much girls love cake, something that this Hannah Montana chick knows all too well.
Dog with a Blog
From one kids show about an animal that likes to sniff its own shit to another, ‘Dog with a Blog’.
There are way too many brilliant videos on the internet showing animals doing creepily human things but Dog with a Blog goes too far in suggesting that a dog actually sits at a computer recording his thoughts and musings, and just how the hell he even uses a mouse is never explained. Don’t bother searching for this dog on Tumblr because just like Osama Bin Laden, he is a figment of the Disney Channel’s imagination.
Brangelina, TomKat, BeeJay, whatever. Shortened nicknames like these imply we have so much to say about these people we don’t even have the time to use their surnames.
The facts are, relationships are boring enough, and just who needs constant coverage about what these couples are doing unless its in the bedroom, ey Hulk Hogan? What a treat for us mere mortals to gaze upon the bleached arseholes of our favourite TV stars, socialites and has-beens trying desperately to keep both their flaccid penis and popularity up, and what better way to do so than the shakily filmed and poorly edited SEXXX tape. I won’t pretend I am above watching these, there is no sexual gratification in it, just that ‘cant look away’ curiosity that also comes from watching freak shows. Here’s to hoping new Mr Big Balls around town Ed Sheeran doesn’t try and stick it in the nation’s sweetheart Cheryl Cole, thus bringing about the apocalypse.
Taking a British Show and Adding ‘USA’
Dear god, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
Apparently all Brits sound like Hugh Grant gargling tea anyway and this doesn’t work for the American sitcom audience. Giving The Office, Life on Mars and Jeremy Kyle the old stars and stripes makeover apparently means making everyone orange and devoid of personality, and they couldn’t resist defecating all over the Inbetweeners either. Apparently MTV have another really gnarly project in the pipeline too, a little remake of Coronation Street where all the pensioners are stripper babes and instead of being set in Manchester it all takes place in the year 3030 where the few men left are robots and worshiped like shiny, metallic gods.
And don’t forget, the United States of Ass is infamous for its retarded laws, one of the better ones being: ‘According to state law, it is illegal to speak English in Illinois. The only officially recognised language is “American”’ which I guess means ending every sentence as a question, right?
☛ More: Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape
☛ More: Inbetweeners USA, seriously…