CHIRPSES

25 Jokes You’re Probably Too Stupid To Understand

Stupid

How many did you get? (Don’t lie.)

Intellectual jokes. I’m about to reel off a sort of top twenty five of them and, credit where Reddit’s due, they all stem from a questioned posed to users on Reddit recently that simply asked, ‘What’s the most intellectual joke you know?’ The whole thing got rather popular, and a number of people are reporting it, seemingly, surprised that users of the internet laugh at more than dick jokes, racism, homophobia, sexism, memes, paedophilia and the ever rich and fruitful source materials that were Hitler, the holocaust and Nazis as a whole.

The jokes involved run the gambit from physics to philosophy, and further. Pretentious? Esoteric? Maybe. Funny? Definitely. Not surprising really, I hear smart people need to laugh too; they are after all the most miserable of the lot of us — they know the truth we could never understand. Plus there’s the fact a number of respected comics have backgrounds in any number of the sciences, without even getting started on the Futurama writing team.

Anyway, check them out on the following slides and let us know how many you got (don’t lie).

Hotel

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

Solipistic

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

Dog

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Beer

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

Policeman Pulling Over Car

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

Pavlov

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

Light Bulb

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

Binary

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

Oxygen Magnesium

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

Barman

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

Hot Dog Stand

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

Crows On Branch

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

Juggler

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

Atom

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

Computer Programmers

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

Albert Einstein

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting  next to him. Excited, he asks:  “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

Jurispudence

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

Noam Chomsky

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

Roman Soldier

19. A Roman walks into a bar,  holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

Frozen Man

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

Mathematician

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

Benoit B Mandelbrot

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

Cup Of Coffee

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

Classics Professor

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

Loaf Of Bread

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.


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