US Track Runner Gets 4-Year Suspension For Testing Positive For Banned Substance, Blames It On Bad Burrito

Seems legit.

Most people out there have had at least one bad burrito experience in their lives, but that primarily involves puking your guts up and/or having insane diarrhea shits, not testing positive for a banned substance that results in you being suspended from from your sport/livelihood for 4 years.

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Well that is apparently the case for Shelby Houlihan, the American record holder in the 1,500m and 5,000m,  after the 28-year-old received an email from the Athletics Integrity Unit (AIU) notifying her that a drug test sample found the anabolic steroid nandrolone in her system.

So Shelby is adamant that a tainted pork burrito is to blame, which isn’t completely out of the question but then you’d expect a (alleged) drugs cheat to make excuses, especially given a 28-year-old athlete can’t really afford to be suspended from high-level competition for 4 years, not to mention her livelihood being dependent on endorsements and appearances that rely on her competing. And especially ahead of the 2021 Olympic Games in Tokyo! Just a horrible time to be busted taking a banned substance (allegedly).

If this burrito story does end up exonerating her though (it won’t but let’s pretend there’s a chance), could blaming burritos become the #1 go-to excuse for all other things in future? Want a day off a work? Say you ate a contaminated pork burrito and now your tummy hurts. Missus ordering you to take out the bins? Say you ate a tainted burrito and cannot move. Miss an open goal sitter at Power League? Mate, that’s all the burrito’s fault.

Who knows, maybe we’ll even get a conspiracy theory out of this that a rival competitor, maybe from China or Russia, contaminated Shelby’s burrito to ensure she couldn’t take part in the Tokyo Olympics. A bit like the Tonya Harding story except the 2021 version. Can’t rule anything out these days.

To meet the mum who cooked up a chilli and beef burrito with her placenta after giving birth, click HERE. That’ll probably have you testing positive for something too.


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